The problem with New Years resolutions is that we tend to have unattainable expectations of ourselves. When we don’t live up to our goals, rather than rethinking them or adapting them to be more reasonable, we give up entirely and throw the baby out with the bath water. Which should be illegal by the way.
Instead of presuming to be an entirely different person next year, why not just suck 5% less. I bet you could achieve that commitment – and if you do, in 20 years you would suck 100% less!! That’s not bad!
So here are my totally attainable new years resolutions that I know I can do!
1) Poop less in public: Now you probably wouldn’t think this was a big problem – but there was an instance when I was a kid. My friend and I pooped in plastic bags and left them on some stranger’s porch. This was a really bad moment for me. I still feel guilty about it. So if I never did that again, I am already on the road to self-improvement.
2) When eating chocolate for breakfast, also have some greens: This is doable. I can have a few bites of kale with my morning chocolate.
3) Don’t blame my farts on my dying dog Mona all the time: Mona doesn’t deserve that. Think of her pride Toni! From now on I will only blame 90% of my farts on her. The other 10% I can put on the cat.
4) When holding the door open for someone, and they don’t say “thank you,” DO NOT then say “you’re welcome” in a sarcastic tone way louder than necessary: I got to be honest. This one is going to be hard for me.
5) Don’t talk about my period while others are eating: Another challenge. But I can wait until they are drinking.
6) Don’t get into fights about the moon landing being faked: After all – the moon could also be hollow, or a space station for aliens. Anything is possible.
7) Don’t keep people on my Facebook news feed that I love to hate everything they post and make fun of in my mind: Unfollow Toni. Just unfollow.
8) Don’t insist on telling people my dreams: It really isn’t that interesting. Except for the fact that other night I had a dream I was hanging out with Donald Trump and that SAME night my mom had a dream she had a sleepover party with Putin. So…
9) When driving and someone cuts me off, don’t speed up to pass them so as to look them in the eye whiling giving them the finger: Just flip them off when I get the chance.
10) Don’t call the universe cunty when things don’t work out the way I wanted them to: The cosmos is so obviously a dick.
11) When at a restaurant and receiving the number “69” for my pick up – DON’T make sex jokes like “must be my lucky day,” to the server: It wasn’t.
