1 year old

  • Things People Do That I Find Really Annoying

    I find the following things insanely annoying when people….


    1)    Say “guac” instead of guacamole

    2)    Give themselves backwards compliments by pretending to be humble. Example: “It is so embarrassing when random guys on the street tell me how hot I am.”

    3)    Nervously laugh at things they say that aren’t funny, and are trying to passive aggressively tell me what to do.  Example: “Could you not stand so close to me? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.”

    4)    Use the word “milk” with too much guttural attention to the “k”

    5)    Ask to borrow something and then won’t give it back until I remind them ten times that I need it

    6)    Tailgate

    7)    Drive too slowly

    8)    Take too many pictures of themselves with a Zoolander face and outstretched arm holding the camera

    9)    Tell me I look tired

    10)  Get mad at me for getting mad at them

    11) Like snuggling in blankets while watching TV (I know this is kind of weird on my part… )

    12) Floss their teeth while talking to me

    13) Always say things are “going great”

    14) Always complain

    15) Ask me to stop interrupting them…

    Check out my go-go-Gadget arm here! And don’t you DARE tell me I look tired!

    June 29, 2012 • 1 year old, Musings • Views: 4012

  • Love me the way I love you

    I love you.  I want to show you that I love you.  I do this by doing things I think you like.  Sometimes I show my love by doing things I would like, because I want you to notice, and then do these things back to me.  I love you the way I want to be loved.

    I want you to know I love you, so I try and show my love in ways that seem obvious to me.  But maybe it is not obvious to you.  The way you show me love is different from the way I show you love.  Sometimes I don’t notice your love, and sometimes you don’t notice mine.  It is like my love efforts become the red headed stepchild that you look right through.

    I do things for you that you would never do for me.  But I guess you do things for me that I would never do for you.  It is hard to appreciate your love because it can feel foreign.  I have to search for the signs and keep my eyes open to see the clues.  Just because you tell me you love me doesn’t mean I always feel it.  But just because I tell you I love you doesn’t mean I always show it.



    June 28, 2012 • 1 year old, 1st Month, Musings, Relationships • Views: 3308

  • I Want To Think Like You

    We all live in the confines of our own consciousness.  All we know is the way we think, and even though I know you probably think differently than I do, I can’t even think about how you think because I am stuck thinking they way I think.  We can both be sitting together in silence, thinking about the same thing, (me) but they way you think is totally mysterious to me.

    I think that everyone thinks they think more than other people.  Like how many times have you heard someone say they can’t meditate because they think too much?  Doesn’t everybody think too much?  Who goes around with a head void of thoughts?  Even people who are trying to not think are still thinking about trying not to think, and even when they think they are not thinking, sometimes thoughts will still come.

    Escaping our thoughts is one thing, but changing the way you think is another.  Maybe we can have moments of freedom from the chatter of our minds, but what about from the way our minds chatter?

    Even though the nature and process of our thinking is unique to each person, I think most people tend to assume people think like them.  See??  Haven’t you ever noticed how liars think everyone is lying to them, and thieves think everyone is stealing from them?  Cheaters will always accuse people of cheating, and passive aggressive people will undoubtedly say you are being passive aggressive when really you are just trying to be actually aggressive.

    The more immoral you are as a person, the more you tend to project that onto the world around you.  But it works the other way too.  Decent people will be more trusting of strangers, open with their hearts, and generous to those around them because they assume that everyone else is the same way.  That is why nice people are so easy to take advantage of.  They don’t see it coming because their eyes focus on the good in people.

    But all this can be avoided if we accepted that not everyone thinks the same, and to assume they do, is dangerous.  So probably the ideal is to be liar, cheat and thief, but think everyone else is good….

    “Wait… so not everyone thinks their asshole tastes delicious?”

    June 27, 2012 • 1 year old, Musings, Relationships • Views: 2402

  • Am I A Weak Person?

    Maybe I am a weak person.  But if someone is in a bad mood around me, I find it really difficult not to be effected by it.  Their negative energy is like a disease that spreads through my cells and exterminates my essence.  It is like a cancerous mole that I know is going to kill me, but I don’t know how to remove.  At least without creating a scar, and what is worth then death then an ugly scar right?

    Typically  my first approach when dealing with a cantankerous person is to see if they have any canker sores.  Obviously.  This usually results in them trying to bite me, and then I have to rule out rabies as well.  More because I don’t think I would look very cute foaming at the mouth, unless you are into that sort of thing.

    My next step would be to try and get them in a better mood.  This is a complex undertaking.  Morphing someone from being a sourpuss cunt into being pleasant is a lot like a reverse birth.  It is quite challenging to stuff a baby back in if you know what I mean?

    You have to perform like a Cirque de Soleil contortionist… easing the putridness of their foul disposition.  It is tricky, and involves looking at your own genitals in strange angles, but worth it if you care about the person.  You know that famous quote…. “Those that are hardest to love need it the most.”  So when someone is being a total dick, it is because they need an emotional blow job.

    But guess what?  Sometimes no matter how hard you try, nothing you do cheers them up, because ultimately you are not responsible for their feelings.  At this point you can either the the hell away from them, or be sucked into the vortex of their misery.  Then their crappy ass mood becomes yours, and you sadly have fully surrendered to the black hole of their cosmic force of gloom.

    For me, one of the hardest thing about being a parent is how controlled I am by the moods of a baby.   A FREAKING BABY!  A miniature tyrant whose brains has HARDLY EVEN FORMED! What is wrong with me? It is like blaming a shark for eating you when you have your period.  What? Sharks are kinky like that.

    I mean Munch can’t even put her own pants on and I let her rule my emotional wellbeing.  When she is in a good mood, I am full of joy, effervescence, bubbles, and fairy dust.  But when Munch is in a shitty mood, it literally sucks my will to live.  I know that is insane, and kind of like living in an asylum and assuming others are making you crazy.  If I were to give me advice it would be to toughen up my skin so it is more impermeable… but I can’t.  I am too busy avoiding wrinkles.

    “Your soul is mine Mama… oh, and can I have some more juice please?”


    June 26, 2012 • 1 year old, Behavior, Mommy Mind, Musings, Parenting, Relationships • Views: 4745

  • You Will Never Believe What I Did This Weekend!

    Everyone is lonely.  We are all looking for communities to be part of.  Even if you are reject the idea of groups, you will probably still be a part of a group for people who don’t like groups.

    There are groups to join for every single faction of personality out there.  There are communities for people who are into LARP-ing (Live Action Role Playing), or those who live life through their Second Life computer game, or others who commune by celebrating guns in the NRA.  Whether its political groups, social groups, environmental groups, or road kill necrophilia groups, we join these communities in order to relate to other people who share our common passion and interests.

    Sometimes communities can be about escapism, or taboo.  Sexual exploration, perversions, bondage… The group gives you a chance to abandon your identity, shed your inhibitions, and maybe even become someone else.  Even if just for an evening.  There are whole economies and events that are formed.  Burning Man.  Dessert Parties.  The Sturgis Bike Rally.  They all have vendors selling the right food, the proper attire, and the perfect accessories to create the full package for the secret self that hides within.  You can be a bank teller by day, and then spend 6-days naked with face paint and a glow stick up your ass at Symbiosis.  You can forget where you come from and have an ecstasy-fueled adventure with orgies, kombucha enemas, and horse back ride on a porcupine, only to return to normal life at the ice cream shop with your pet cat Craig.

    Some people happen to be really into the middle ages, and they go to Renaissance Festivals.  I happened to witness one of these scenes this weekend.  On the one hand it was totally bizarre.  Everyone was dressed in full on gear from the Middle Ages and spoke completely in character.  Did you hear that? As if they were from THE MIDDLE AGES!  I heard a lot of talk about mutton, my lady, doth, over yonder, betwixt, fairies, gallant, and also “the Knights are sweating to death in the enchanted forest” over the walky-talky.

    A woman actually warned me that the “purple color in my skirt might attract the dark mistress to cast a spell on me” as she threw sawdust and leaves in my hair to protect me.  There were a lot of pelts of fur, jousting, and wizard hats…. there was even a woman with a tail.  Not sure what that was all about, but she was there.

    Okay, so obviously there is a LOT to make fun of about this scene.  But at the same time, it was so refreshing, so innocent, so full of joy that really all the shit talking I can do is indicative of how I hate myself.  I am way to self-conscious to speak in Old English and wear elf ears, but I have so much respect for the people who can totally lose themselves in the play.

    “Can ye doth this here lady with some sweet potato fries and ketchup?”

    June 25, 2012 • 1 year old, Adventures, Musings, Relationships • Views: 2412

  • I want to control what you think of me…

    This is an actual conversation I once had.

    “Hey I’m Toni.  It’s good to meet you.”

    “Hi, my name is Jacob.”

    “So Jacob, what do you do for a living?”

    “I am a marine biologist.”

    “Oh wow.  That sounds amazing.”

    “Yeah, well actually I was lying.  My name is Alex and I work in finance.  Wow Toni, you are so gullible.  I bet you would believe anything! Hahahahaha”

    Ummmm pretty sure I just met you!  What kind of person lies the first time you talk to them, and then acts like you’re dumb for trusting them?

    If you live in a small town where everyone knows you, and has known you your whole life, there is little room to reinvent your personality.  “Oh you mean slutty Barbara who gave hand jobs on the bus and blowies in the library is getting married? She is definitely going to cheat.” or “Shit-his-pants-in-the-second-grade-while-eating-tacos-Steve wants to start a business? But how is he going to do that with shit stains in his pants?”

    Yet if you move to a place no one knows you, or live in a city where you are constantly meeting strangers, you have a lot more freedom to create a construct of how you want to be seen.  In a way, that gives you a lot of power to control and manipulate what people think of you by being selective about the material you choose to share.

    Of course people can have an energetic feeling about your frequency, and they may or may not vibe with you…. But if you want to hide things about your past, or highlight specific elements of your story, that is all within your power.

    Not everyone adheres to this strategy.  Sometimes you will come across someone who has no filter and will tell you the most personal information about how they used to be addicted to crystal meth and once had sex with a dead cat while crying about how their dad never loved them, all while you are trying to get them to pass the ketchup at a BBQ restaurant.  It is like they are experiencing a personal catharsis of self-reflection and have to share their narrative with any one that will listen.  The captive audience functions as a purging to release the burden of their truth and it doesn’t matter they just met you in line for the bathroom.

    I have definitely gone through the phase of exposing myself like a naked nymph on the buttress of a cathedral, but now I am more likely to screen what I share.  Kinda like how in this blog I told you a story, but I didn’t tell you how while I was writing it I created a shrine to the wiccan witch goddess and drained the blood of a goat into a human skull and then cursed all who have ever crossed me while of course doing crystal meth.


    June 22, 2012 • 1 year old, Musings, Relationships • Views: 3464

  • Please Tell Me How Great I Am

    “Hey Ma… watch me… watch me… watch me…. Hey Ma…Ma… Mama…Ma…. Mama… watch… watch…. watch… watch me!!!!!”

    That was me, this morning, trying to get my mom to watch my handstand.

    Kids are really into you watching their efforts and praising their tries.  It becomes an unconscious reflex to blurt our phrases like “good job,” “wow” and “amazing” at even the most mundane activities.  “Fantastic, really impressive, you stepped down!”

    When The Munch was a baby I was warned that constant affirmations towards a child is problematic because if they think they can do a “good” job at something, it also means they can do a “bad” job.  So they then can be come stressed about doing “good” or “bad” and subsequently BEING “good” or “bad.”

    I can kind of get that.  Life is more about the journey than the results and all that crap losers say.

    I was also told that if you compliment your child constantly it becomes more about you and your opinion of what they did, rather then their own personal feelings of self-worth.  That supposedly you are robbing them of the capacity to feel proud on their own by not giving them the chance to recognize their accomplishment.

    So instead of saying “good job” etc… you should say things like “you did it,” or “nice try.”  That way you are just exclaiming a fact rather then stamping the act with your judgment.

    I am not sure if I totally agree with all this, but I have been giving it a whirl.  I feel like a weirdo though, especially if I am in front of other people at the park and she climbs up the slide and all I say is “you did it” because yeah it is pretty fucking obvious that is just what happened.  But then Munch says “I did it” and seems happy with herself so I guess my feeling like a dork isn’t as important as her damaging her for life.  Other times I forget and say “good job” and worry that I have permanently marred her self-confidence… but then I think about how if I wore mascara more often I wouldn’t look so tired.


    After I wrote this I went to the beach with Munch and my mom… and she was giving Munch affirmations out the ying yang… and you know what? Munch freakin’ loved it! She was eating the approval up like an organic granola bar sweetened with honey (…that is about the most exciting treat I have ever given her).

    “Wow! You are right… I AM FANTASTIC!”










    June 21, 2012 • 1 year old, Adventures, Behavior, Musings, Parenting • Views: 4375

  • Maybe I am Not Who I Think I Am?

    I have this perception of who I am, but maybe who you think I am is different from who I am think I am?

    And even though I think I am this certain way, don’t you think that your thinking I am this other way makes me actually this way instead of that?

    But just because you see me as being one way, that doesn’t mean I have to see myself the same way you see me.

    Yet if everyone else feels about me the way you feel about me, then how I feel myself doesn’t really matter.

    Or does it?

    June 20, 2012 • 1 year old, Musings • Views: 2989

  • To Bribe or Not To Bribe?

    Although bribing people is an effective way to get people to do what you want, it may not always be the best strategy.  Of course there are many different forms of bribery.  Some good old fashion blackmail and psychological warfare.  Or threatening to saw someone’s legs off and then breaking every bone in their body so they have to flop and slither their carcass across the floor to mobilize their pulped flesh.  But there is also the more common approach of convincing someone that “if you do this for me, I will do this for you” which is how the 69 was first conceptualized.

    I can see the seduction of bribery when dealing with your toddler.  Once they start talking, it is customary to tell them what is going on because they are more person-like, and it is harder to just impose your will on them.  Plus they can vocalize their opinions and have the capacity to be so annoying your left and right brain fuse together into one mega brain that suddenly fractures and splits into insanity.

    So when you want them to do something and they say “no” in that emphatic, obnoxious, tone of voice, you are then in kind of a pickle.  Especially if you are in front of other people and are trying to avoid a total meltdown.  You want them to do what you want, but they are saying that they don’t want to – so now you either have to negotiate with them, or deal with the wrath of 2-year old.

    Although it is tempting for me to bribe The Munch into succumbing to my way, I am tentative to do that because I want her to understand that being good to someone is a reward in and of itself.  That doing good for goodness sake should be enough.  I know that may sound corny, but it is true. There is an emotional reward for being empathetic or thoughtful, and trying to persuade her with promises of lollipops makes me feel like I am distracting her from a very real experience.

    I really believe that even though Munch can be a total shit sometimes, she does understand the concept of compromise… I just have to be prepared to deal with her protests if the joy of my joy doesn’t quite satisfy her tyrannical needs.


    June 19, 2012 • 1 year old, baby brain, Behavior, Disciplining, Musings, Parenting • Views: 2442