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How To Know Which Dude To Breed With?

Now that I’m in my 30’s – I am surrounded by women who are dealing with their fertility. I have friends that have no interest in procreating, some who are squatting out babies, and others that are squatting on men to try and make some. No matter what their choice, the 30’s are the time when it’s on our minds, and we ladies have to make a decision.

To breed or not to breed. That is the question.

If you don’t want to have kids, there is a beautiful freedom to that. There is no pressure to settle down, or find a guy you have to deal with. (Sorry that was my auto correct. I meant to say get to spend your life with because love is eternal). You can be more open to a relationship happening anytime anywhere because there isn’t that impending biological clock knocking you over the head to get knocked up.

Yet when you want kids, (unless you are down to do it on your own), the current paradigm is so find some guy to go on the journey with you. Of course in an ideal world we could have babies, live in women’s communes, watch each other’s children, and take on lovers as we please. But unless you are ready to hang out with a chick named Chakra and whittle wood, people in intentional polyamorous communities are still pretty wacky.

Since I lived in NYC for so long, there is large portion of my friends who are single, are into the idea of birthing children, yet don’t know whom they want to produce with. When you live in an urban environment, you tend to have a lot of options of potential DNA to blend with yours. There is that cute skater, the guy that works at the office across from yours, or the dude at the green juice bar that always adds EXTRA ginger for you. Awww shucks, you know how I need to clean out my system juice guy!

Potential men to poke you are everywhere! Yet they are also nowhere because post-modern people really suck. Guys that text you at 1am asking “wassup,” or that care more about egos than they do about you. The world is filled with narcissists, douche bags, and greedy fucks. And if you happen to find a nice one, you probably think he’s too nice, making it too easy, and then don’t give him the time of day – humans are absurd!

The other great question is who to make babies with?! How do you know who is the guy you want to hang around for the next 18 years? Of course there is the obvious. Is he a murderer? Has he ever worshipped the devil? Does he drink Diet Dr. Pepper? Yet assuming he is kind, self sufficient, and folds his own laundry, then how do you know if you found the one to give your ovaries to!?

Here is my Toni Bologna checklist to help you make this pivotal decision.

1) Do you like sleeping with him once a week?
2) Do you like eating with him?
3) Do you like watching TV with him?

That’s pretty much it.

couple-watching-tv

3 Responses to How To Know Which Dude To Breed With?

  1. Laszlo Nagy says:

    This reads like a materialist philosophy from the 19th century, except we should say here that it would be a 21st century biologicalist argument that is being made . But then can I submit in the grand tradition of political compromise a third position? Between those crying for the ken doll that fits a given set of fancies and fulfills functions x, y, and z and those refusing such entities in their life, can one not also posit a middle individual that recognizes that the existing set of expectations from members of both biological sexes are recipes for misery? I propose people just stay in their twenties and skip the thirties and just sort of see what happens at 40. I honestly think this is an answer for vast swaths of humanity if they want to enjoy life and not be tortured by alien ideas.

  2. Janet Ozsolak says:

    Hi Toni,

    Simple recipes are the best ones. I like yours!

  3. johnny wendigo says:

    Biological clock ticking, eh?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO8vjjH9m_U

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