People like to think they are really good at multitasking, and by people I mean me. In fact, this sentence just took me 15 minutes to write because I am having two text conversations as I am trying to type. See how good at multitasking I am!? At this rate I will have this blog piece done in 3 hours. Talk about efficiency. Ha… just checked my phone and texted again. This is awesome.
So according to this study in the Atlantic, people who multitask the most, and think they are proficient at it, are actually the worst multitaskers. They says it because… oh I don’t know – something about overconfidence and impulsiveness but I can’t really remember because I was dribbling a soccer ball, bouncing an orange with my nose, giving myself bangs, listening to a podcast, changing my underwear, and eating a edemame while reading it.
I have always been a multitasker. Maybe that is because I try to do it all and really do nothing? Or perhaps I am in a constant state of distraction and this type of thinking is a manifestation of that? But you know what? One day there I was hanging out, and noticed that something was coming out of my vagina – and it happened to be a human being! Since that time, I feel like its impossible not to be an excessive multitasker. If I am around my child there is no way I can stay in a state of focus and not have her interrupt me every 2 minutes to talk about how the owl is scared of lady bugs or asking me to make her a fucking smoothie.
Being a parent has taken me to a whole new level of multitasking. I am pretty much a pro at cooking her dinner while cleaning up lunch while putting her sparkly shoes on her hands while trying to stealthfully wipe jelly out of her ear. I have adapted to having conversations with friends in stilted segments of 45 seconds. Although this is a great exercise in memory – I have to say I usually wish I had a stenographer so I wouldn’t have to ask, “wait, so what were just talking about” so many goddamn times.
But the ultimate test of my level of concentration and ability to deal with the distraction that is The Munch, is when we do yoga together. Often times she wants to “help me”, which usually consists of her getting in my way and hanging off my legs. If I am in a headstand she often thinks this is the best time to hug, or get in my face and tell me about how her baby doll doesn’t like popcorn and thinks spiders should dance, but only in the summer.
This morning a few of us practiced yoga together, and my friend Sarah brought her son Desmond too. We were all trying really hard to pay attention and be one with the universe and all that crap, but….
Toni: “Okay lets come into a warrior one pose.”
Munch: “ Mamma, can you find my phone for me?”
Toni: “Munch, Mamma is trying to focus… we can find it later. Now come into warrior 3 post.”
Desmond: “Mom I am thirsty?”
Sarah: “Okay well I will get you some water when I am done?”
Munch: “Mamma, can you get my phone?”
Sarah: “Desmond go help Adelia find her phone.”
Desmond: “I can’t right now. I am on the bike.”
Toni: “Now extend your arms into superman arms.”
Desmond: “Did somebody say super man?”
Munch: “Mamma, I have to go potty?”
Toni: “Now come into balancing on your left leg.”
Desmond: “Mom, you want this apple?”
Sarah: “Ummmm yeah that’s really great thanks.”
Desmond: “Mom, Adelia can’t have my gun.”
Sarah: “Okay Des that’s fine.”
Munch: “Mamma, can you find my phone for me?”
Desmond: “Wait who said superman arms?”
Toni: “Come to balance on the right leg.”
Desmond: “Hey Adelia I found your phone.”
At the end of our session we were in shavasana -where you lay down like a corpse and are supposed to be in a deep meditation… and of course these two just kept on chatting.
Desmond: “Adelia, come here.”
Munch: (stomps around running the other direction)
Desmond: “No, Adelia come here.”
Munch: (stomps over to Des)
Desmond: “Do you want to play hide and seek?”
Desmond: “Okay, you count I am going to hide.”
Munch: (stomps over to me). “Mamma. We are going to play hide and seek! Watch me while you are sleeping okay? Okay Mamma? Mamma can you hear me? Wake up.”
Toni: “Yeah that’s great.”
Desmond: “Okay count Adelia.”
Son of a bitch Munch you never remember 15!! What the fuck! (Yeah, so that’s what I was thinking while multitasking meditating).