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The Art of Spoiling

We all know that Grandparents tend to indulge their grandchildren. It comes with the territory. I guess for them it’s fun giving kids whatever they want, and then sending them back to their parents to deal with repercussions – because who cares!? And actually fuck you for your teenage years… here’s your child who’s high as fuck on sugar and will totally crash in about 20 minutes.

My mom should lead seminars on spoiling. She has taken it to a fine art. I truly believe the MOMA should commission her for a live performance piece. Grandparents across the nation can learn from her ways.

When I tell my mom things like “I like to be aware of Munch’s sugar intake so she doesn’t become a monster,” or “I like to limit her screen time so she doesn’t become a FUCKING MONSTER,” my mom usually just rolls her eyes at me. She insists I am being dramatic, and that The Munch is “a lovely child who is easy to be around and a great companion.” Yeah… do you want to know why she is a good kid? BECAUSE I DON’T LET HER EAT SUGAR ALL DAY, LIMIT HER SCREEN TIME, AND TELL HER “NO” ALL THE FUCKING TIME SO SHE ISN’T A PSYCHO BITCH!

It’s like my mom doesn’t see the correlation between boundaries and decent behavior!

Yet she is the Grandmother, and she will do as she damn pleases. For example, The Munch comes home from a sleepover the other day and tells me “Manna let me have 3 cookies for breakfast this morning.” I called my mom thinking Munch was exaggerating because surely NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would give a 5 year old 3 CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST.

Toni: Hi Mom, how did last night go?
My Mom: She was an angel. I gave her 3 cookies for breakfast this morning to celebrate the American Iranian nuclear peace treaty.
Toni: Are you fucking serious?
My Mom: I want her to remember this momentous day where America and Iran became friends!

A few days later I picked up The Munch from my mom’s and asked casually what she had eaten. You know, so I had an idea of what food groups, and if there was already a fair amount of treats I should be aware of.

My Mom: She just ate healthy things – mango and some veggies
Toni: Okay great!
Munch: I had 3 cookies and a Nutella sandwich. AND Manna let me watch TV the whole time. I watched hours and hours of My Little Pony. Like so much, my eyes hurt.
Toni: Did you now?
Munch: Yeah! Mom, can I go to Manna’s again tomorrow?

The look of a truly cracked out Munch.



2 Responses to The Art of Spoiling

  1. Olga Davidson says:

    Oh for heavens sake. The cookies were gluten free, nutella is awesome and has no transfats and My Little Pony teaches diplomacy and has brilliant parallels to current foreign policy issues. She spends her life eating kale and playing with tree bark. And I do give mango. Organic mango! There is a YouTube that shows how to peel it with alacrity.

  2. Laszlo Nagy says:

    If I may weigh in here, every house has its own rules. The hazel eyed house and the blue eyed house are affording The Munch an education in co-existence. I have to salute her being under two grand auspices .. at least for the summer months 😉

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