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I Think I am Switching Sides

It turns out that we are experiencing a flu pandemic! Like people all over the place are dying from the flu!! Are we living in the dark ages? Are we a nation of 18th century French prostitutes singing of dreams gone by? What is wrong with us? Dying from the flu seems so senseless in a world where we can grow a human ear on a mouse’s back.  Don’t we have the technology to not die from this kind of stuff?

My friend thinks it’s because of global warming.  When I asked her to explain she was like “well, I just feel like because the weather is all weird and stuff, that there are now these crazy super strands of viruses that our bodies haven’t developed a resilience to.”  Yeah… probably.  I mean I am not a scientist or anything, but I think I am going to take this theory and run with it.

When The Munch was exclusively breastfeeding she didn’t get sick once.  When she started eating food at around 1 she got her first fever.  Since then she has gotten sick about 7 times in a year and half.  Now this is a kid who only eats organic fair often grown in her backyard, is not exposed to a lot of germs at day care because she is still at home, is still suckling away on the teat draining my soul of all its immunities, and lives in nature amongst fairies and woodsprites.  The Munch lives a pretty pure existence and this bitch is still getting sick about every 4 months.

Even when you are trying to live a totally chemical free, organic, new age and morally superior existence, you are still exposed to the toxicity of the world.  There is so much damage done to every facet of our environment, that it is almost impossible to believe the damage.  And you know what? I am no longer going to.

From this moment forward, I am going to adopt the sentiments of a fundamentalist-right wing-global warming denier.  I am going to refute all scientific “facts” and instead support short-term gain over the long-term health of the planet.  I am going to be really materialistic, and into oil, and pipe lines, and plastic, and GMO food, and dumping trash into the ocean because who cares fish are dumb anyway.  I just think I will be a lot happier being on the other side then I am on this one.  So see you later hippies! I am off to harpoon this majestic horse in the face.




6 Responses to I Think I am Switching Sides

  1. Laszlo says:

    I am now sort of with the flu. And there is no good reason why I would have gotten it. And your friend is right, because it is nice out, like early or even mid April. So yeah, for a day or something one should just be a global warming denial type. For a day 🙂

  2. Renette says:

    Well, the weather is certainly fucked up. Here, in LA, we are experiencing actual winter temperatures. Like a hard frost and shit. I don’t even have a real heater cause this weather is against nature and we, as a megapolis, are wholly unprepared for this weather.

  3. Holly says:

    “I got a flu shot” she says smugly, waiting to come down with the flu because she comforted and served YOUR CHILD, just after she got the her flu shot and was told her immunities will low low for two weeks. But you know what? Fuck it. It was worth it and no. I will not join the other side. Never!

  4. Teneisha says:

    Thank you for this post, it made my day. I too think how much easier it would be to go about life from the other side. “My actions are harmful- who cares, YOLO Motherfuckers!” Alas, my guilt is much too strong to be anything but a bleeding heart liberal.

  5. lizzie says:

    I’m not worried about the Earth at all! It will regenerate like whoa after all the humans have died out. Serves us right.

  6. phnxrth says:

    Influenza is caused by distortions of logic.

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