I am well aware that some religious women feel societal and personal pressure to maintain their virginity for marriage.  I also have heard of purity rings, which Christian girls can opt to wear, symbolizing their commitment to remaining “pure.” Yet I have just been exposed to the existence of “purity balls.”

Contrary to my initial assumption, purity balls are not to be inserted. Instead, they are a ritual in which 12-year-old girls “gift” their virginity to their fathers by signing a contract under the watchful eyes of God that states her father, as “high priest” of the household, will “protect” her purity. Father and daughter then signify this agreement in a marriage-like ceremony and “first dance.” The girl wears a ring to demonstrate her devotion, and to remind her that she is “married to the Lord and her father is her boyfriend.” (The words of one Pastor Ron Johnson… not mine.)

Oh, and lets be clear that remaining “pure” rules out kissing or any kind of physical intimacy before marriage.

Okay, Toni, breathe.

What I find most outrageous about this arrangement is the age of these girls.  If someone had taken me aside when I was 12 and told me I should never put a penis in my mouth, vagina, or anus I would say HELL YEAH I WON’T… I am sorry. HECK YEAH. I was 12…boys had cooties. They were gross. The thought of having someone’s tongue touch mine made me want to gag. I was way more interested in playing foursquare and making bracelets out of string. I didn’t care about sex and could easily have promised I would never do it.

Things change though, as hormones start to kick in around the age of 13 or 14. To make these girls swear to God they won’t break their vow is setting them up for emotional torture. Teenagers are sexual, horny, and curious by nature. To view sex as a spiritual act that should be reserved for the miraculous intention of making babies is one thing, but to say experimentation of any kind is a sin is both extreme and dictatorial.

The incestuous undertone of the fathers being the keeper of their daughter’s cherry, essentially serving as their de facto boyfriend, makes this new cultural phenomenon that much creepier. I try to imagine what my dad would have done with my virginity. Where would he have put it? Those things are slippery – what if he lost it? Shouldn’t I be responsible for my own virginity? Designating a father to oversee his young daughter’s hymen sets up a dangerous power dynamic. Where does that leave her if she “lets him down” and has a change of heart?

If a teenage girl chooses this lifestyle, she should do it with her own free will, not in the context of being betrothed to her father. It should be a decision she herself maintains. Anointing fathers to oversee their daughter’s sexuality is not only oppressive but the ultimate manifestation of the patriarchy. (In all my research, I found no stories of sons having purity balls with their mothers – actually that just sounds really wrong.)

There is an important distinction between influencing our children and indoctrinating them.  It is one thing to introduce beliefs as part of a value system within a household, but brainwashing a young girl to think she’ll go to hell if she frenches a boy is something else entirely. I really hope that like Born Again Christians, there will also be Born Again Virgins.  It’s only fair.

The pledge:

For Fathers

I (Daughter’s Name)’s Father, choose before to God to war for my daughter’s purity. I acknowledge myself as the authority and protector of my daughter’s virginity, and pledge to be a man of integrity as I lead, guide, and pray over my daughter and her virginity – as the High Priest of my home.

For Virgins

I (Name) pledge my purity to my father, my future/husband and my Creator. I recognize that virginity is my most precious gift to offer to my future husband. I will not engage in sexual activity of any kind before marriage but will keep my thought and my body pure as a very special present for the one I marry.

 – Wording of the pledge signed at purity balls.