When you have a child, a lot of time is spent trying to get away from them.  Not because they aren’t lovely, but because they can be really annoying when you are trying to do something else. Like work, feel productive, or poop in peace.  I wake up in the morning and think to myself  “Good morning Toni, here you have another day to enjoy your enchanting little Munch.  You are the luckiest person on earth to have birthed such a delight… who can I get to watch her for a bit?”

When I was a kid, the go to baby sitter for my parents was my Grandmother.  My father’s mother, who my brother and I called Nagymama (the Hungarian name for grandma), would pick us up every day from school, and often watch us on weekends.  I spent a lot of time with Nagymama growing up, and she was a major part of my formative years.  Now, I loved my grandmother… SOOOO much.  She is a lovely woman and bless her spirit.  I will forever cherish my memories with her, and am so grateful to have been so close.  But at the same time… seriously mom and dad… what were you thinking?

Let me just throw this out there that Nagymama cut my bangs by using a bowl on my head Dumb and Dumber style.  That really happened.

Nagymama was extremely Catholic.  She was a very religious woman and we would often go to church with her, as she attended mass almost every day.  I am very appreciative of this time because of these concentrated moments where I would think about the deeper meaning of existence.  Concepts like mortality, morality, unconditional love, spirituality, would all float through my child consciousness in a way that I believe truly impacted my overall philosophical self.  But at the same time, Nagymama such a believer, would often look into my 6-year old eyes and say “Pray for me that I will die soon so I can be with Jesus.”

Because my grandmother was tired and old, she believed there was a lot of lessons my brother and I could learn from film.  For instance, Nagymama wanted us to learn the teachings of her religion, so she would often play for us Jesus Of Nazareth to drill in the point of the New Testament.  This seems like an innocent plan, until you realize that this movie is actually quite brutal, and there is a point where king Herod kills all the baby boys in a 100-mile radius because he supposedly wanted to destroy the coming Messiah.  I will tell you one thing; nothing will freak out kids more than a bunch of bloody dying babies and gruesome scenes of a man nailed to a cross!  Not to mention the assertion Nagymama drilled into our skulls that all this happened for my sins… which at that point was stealing some of me my best friend’s Halloween candy.  I am not sure, but I think this was the beginning of my life’s long battle with eternal guilt.

Nagymama also felt there was many lessons to be learned by watching the Twilight Zone.  At 7, these weren’t always easy to understand, but I did happen to retain that in a world full of pig faces, beauty is relative.  There was also one episode where a man lived with his wife who was a real shrew. She never wanted him to be happy, and would forbid him from his favorite activity, which was to read.  As such, this man would go into the nuclear bomb shelter to hide from his controlling wife and be with his books.  Of course, one day when he is down there, there is a nuclear bomb and all of humanity is obliterated except for him.  He is utterly alone, walking through the devastation, but then he comes across the blown up library.  Some of the books are still intact.  He is almost happy, until he drops his glasses and accidently steps on them and crushes them, rendering him blind and isolated for the rest of his life.  For the next 8 years, until I was 15, every time I was alone I would call the operator to make sure I wasn’t the only person left alive.

She also showed us Children of The Corn a few times to show us what happens to bad little children.  Even though my grandmother was trying to motivate good behavior, it would be nice not to scream in terror every time I see a tortilla chip.

But I will forever be indebted to all love and devotion Nagymama showed me, and the epic life advice she gave me.  Such gems as “You be careful of men; all they want is to empty themselves in you.” And “you were born to be a mother, Toni.”