I know I am supposed to support my child’s creativity or whatever, but does this shit have to be so goddamn messy? Every time she wants to paint I have to create a set as intricate as Avatar, which takes about 45 minutes to set up. The Munch “paints” for about 10 minutes, and then the 2-hour clean up process begins.
There are also all the arts and crafts accessories Munch has received as gifts that pollute every crevasse of my house. Not to mention that all exposed surfaces are covered in a thin layer of spilled fairy farts. I look like a stripper every day of my life because my face is never without a random speck of glitter… like a sparkling tear of failed dreams and daddy issues.
For some reason she also has this bin of paper-string confetti which she enjoys strewing about, as well as a box the size of a pit-bull full of foam stickers. All of which are incredibly complex to pick up. Kind of like if I were to rub my head all over your pillow and you would have to intricately extract each hair.
So last night I was making us dinner, and things got very quiet in the living room. In case you don’t know this, quiet = trouble. I finally went to see what was going on, and The Munch had indiscriminately pulled all her arts and crafts off the shelf and was sitting on a mound of multi-colored crap.
Toni: Holy Fuuuuuc…funbags Munch! What have you done?
Munch: I am playing with my arts and crafts.
Toni: Yeah but this is insane. It looks like Pee Wee’s Playhouse had an abortion!
Munch: Huh?
Toni: Never mind. Listen. You can have fun playing with this stuff, but you HAVE to help me clean it up.
Munch: Okay.
So of course, when it became time to clean…
Toni: Okay Munch. Time to clean up.
Munch: Naw. I don’t want to. You clean it up Mamma.
Toni: Munch, if you don’t help me clean up, you are going to your room.
Munch: NOOOOO!! WAHHHHAHAHHAAA I DON’T WANT TO CLEAN UP.
Toni: Okay. Go to your room right now and you can come out when you are ready to help.
I brought The Munch to her room, and she cried and wailed for about 5 minutes before she came out.
Munch: Okay. I am ready to help clean now.
Toni: Great. You get started over there with the hearts, and I will get the pipe cleaners.
Like I normal person, I was cleaning my side of the room when I looked over and noticed The Munch was using two popsicle sticks to pick up these little tiny furry balls. It was like watching a penguin use chopsticks. It took Munch 3 minutes to pick up a ball the size of a pimple.
Munch: MAMMA I CAN’T DO IT! IT IS TOO HARD FOR ME! I AM TOO LITTLE TO PICK UP! WAHHAHHHHAAHHHHHAAAAHHHHAAA!
Toni: Well, maybe if you used your hands rather than those sticks the process would go faster.
Munch: NO I CAN’T! WAHHHAHHHAHHAHHAAA YOU CLEAN UP MAMMA!
Toni: Alright. Back in your room. You can come out when you are ready to help.
Again she cried in her room for a while. This time for 10 minutes. I started to get impatient so I went to get her. The Munch was still weeping and wailing, but also practicing her handstands.
Toni: If you don’t help me clean you are going right to bed with no dinner, no bath, and no story.
Munch: NO I WILL NOT GO RIGHT TO BED!
Toni: Oh yes you will. Don’t test me dude.
Munch: Okay I will come help.
And then she did. She used her little hands, and we cleaned and organized all her crappy ass crap. The thing that is cool about kids is that they don’t hold grudges when you have to discipline them. I think deep down The Munch knew she was being a dick, but she also really didn’t want to clean up because it was chaos. I get that. The key for me is to nip her annoying-ness in the bud before I get annoyed. If I discipline when I am not already angry, it is way more effective than if I were actually mad.
After everything was all put away and we ate dinner of course The Munch wanted to get creative again.
Munch: Mamma, I want to draw now. But I won’t make a mess!
And then she drew a self-portrait which I think is kind of amazing! Sigh… maybe art isn’t that bad after all.
