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A Conspiracy Theory About Conspiracy Theories

I have always been interested in “conspiracy theories.”  So much so that I resent the term.  Why does an alternative perspective have to be labeled a conspiracy?  The implication being that any viewpoint, which is not pushed through the mainstream media machine, is ultimately illegitimate or some kind of scheme.  Considering 6 corporations own 90% of the media, to think that corporate influence does not deeply impact the information we are exposed to is just as absurd as believing the moon landing was a hoax.

But I have come to realize that I myself am living in a conspiracy theory. And the players in question are my mom and The Munch.

As a parent you have to make rules.  It’s important to have restrictions so your child knows there are limitations on what they can and cannot do.  There is nothing more debilitating then a life without boundaries.  It is hard to appreciate anything when you have access to everything, or can behave in whatever way without consequences.

But do you want to know who doesn’t give a fuck about rules.  Grandparents.

One rule I have is that I don’t want The Munch to eat a lot of treats because it turns her into an asshole, and she has plenty of time to form a sugar addiction like her Mamma.  And as someone who watched way too much TV as a kid, I also don’t want her to watch tv/youtube/ipads/Netflix/ipods/iphones/hulu … Not because I want to keep her from it forever.  But she is fucking 3.  The Munch should be imagining or some shit.  She has have her entire life to waste in front of a screen, so she should go outside, play pretend, and enjoy her fucking childhood while it lasts.

But does my mom care about my rules? Nope.  If The Munch is being annoying, a great way to make that stop is letting her have a cookie or watch Curious George.  Shuts her right up.  I am not saying it is not an effective strategy though…

The other day I had my mom and dad watching Munch and when I went to pick her up things were peculiarly quite.

Toni: Where is Munch?

My Mom: She is upstairs with your Dad.

Toni: What are they doing? It is oddly silent up there.

My Mom:  They are just playing.

Toni:  Playing what?

My Mom:  Just playing.  Talk to me for a minute.  I want to hear how you are.

Toni: I am going up there….

And of course there was my dad reading and Munch watching the iPad.

Munch: Mamma! Mana and Baba let me watch a movie!!!

Toni: I can see that!

Then The Munch came home yesterday and the first thing she said was,

Munch: I had a chocolate chip cookie!

So when I saw my mom next I mentioned this information that The Munch revealed.

Toni: So Mom… I heard from a pretty reliable source that you gave Munch a chocolate chip cookie.

Mom: Adelia! That was supposed to be our secret!

Munch: I told my Mamma!

Toni: MOM!!! What the FUCK! You can’t tell her to keep secrets from me!

Munch: Mana can I have another chocolate chip cookie?

Toni: No Munch you can’t.  Mom what is wrong with you?

Mom: She wanted a cookie, and I told her ‘you mom doesn’t like you to have cookies,’ but then she told me ‘Mamma is not here.’  And she was right.  You weren’t here.  So I gave her the cookie.  Besides, you never had to know it even happened.  You would be non the wiser.  I merely suggested we keep the information between ourselves.

Munch: Cookies are sooooo good!

Toni: I think you guys are conspiring against me.

Mom: Don’t be ridiculous Toni.  You are such a conspiracy theorist.

(Look at them, conspiring against me)


4 Responses to A Conspiracy Theory About Conspiracy Theories

  1. olga davidson says:

    It’s true. We are conspiring against you. What happens in Mana’s and Baba’s house, stays in Mama’s and Baba’s house and hoooooweeeee you really don’t want to know.

  2. Emily says:

    Devious…..poor Toni!!!

  3. Laszlo says:

    They did conspire against you. Your theory is that I bet when I am gone by mother let’s the child do shit I don’t want. I bet the child is in on it. Your conspiracy theory was proven by your empirical study. The theory then is proven until falsified by data that suggests that cookies are being consumed by me and not your daughter, or some such result.

  4. olga davidson says:

    Hey! You ate all the chocolate chip cookies and and the macademia nut ones. I saw you!

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