Your Kid Can Be a Dick
There is a reason why you get nervous if a baby comes into a contained public space you are in, like an airplane or restaurant. And that reason is that kids can be total dicks.
The other day, my friend Bridget and I were hungry enough to eat goat testicles sautéed with onions in a white wine reduction, so we stopped by the organic store to get a sandwich. While we were waiting I asked my friend Emily who works the counter for some roasted red peppers for The Munch. I started to give her some, and she threw them on the floor. But when I put them away she cried, so I gave them back like a good mom who wants her kid to shut the hell up. She then threw some more on the floor.
Okay… this is going well…
I took her out of the highchair hoping she would sit quietly by my feet like a dog, but instead she proceeded to walk around the store pulling everything off the shelves that was eye level.
I went to put her back in the high chair which she did not agree with, and showed me her disdain by kicking the air and subsequently my boob. So like any good mom who wants to stuff her fist down her kid’s throat, I put her on my lap and tried to pretend like I wasn’t fantasizing about cussing her out.
Our sandwiches came, and every time I put mine near my mouth she tried to take it away, and if she got to close enough to the plate, she tried to knock it on the ground.
So since I was in a hippy ass store and no one was actually in the café I just started to breastfeed her and eat over her head and drop crumbs on her face. She still poked at my sandwich, and chunks fell on her, but I got at least 2/3 of it in my mouth. Then I tried to get her off my boob so I wouldn’t be that chick breastfeeding her baby WHILE EATING A FREAKING SANDWICH IN PUBLIC, but she didn’t go for that idea either and started protest with a series of grunts.
“Wow, my baby is a big jerk.”
When I finally got her home, she of course became the cutest sweetest little cherub in the world… singing to herself, giving us hugs, and playing with her doll.