Although sometimes I fantasize about a giant picking me up, maybe throwing me in the air a few times, giving me a shoulder ride, but the rest is private so that is all I am going to tell you… but I still think it must be hard for babies. All these people so much bigger than you constantly manipulating your every move. You just have to trust that there is a reason for them taking quarters out of your mouth besides being a total buzz kill.

For instance, I once decided to change The Munch’s diaper in the parking lot of a store. Mind you, I had my reasons… I thought she might fall asleep in the car and didn’t want her sitting in shit… but she doesn’t know that. She had to trust that there was a reasonable explanation as to why she was balancing on the hood of my car with her ass in the air while people walked by.

Or lets say she is having a really good time running around the house carrying a pencil. As far as she is concerned this is a party worth filming for YouTube, but then I take the pencil away. Don’t get me wrong, I like liquid acid and Xtacy popsicles as much as the next guy, but The Munch is about as coordinated as a drunk 90 year old and I don’t want her to stab herself in the face. She just has to trust that I am not a total tyrant.

Another time she was minding her own business brushing her teeth walking around the bathroom while I was sitting on the toilette. As far as she is concerned, poking my butt with the toothbrush was the thing to do, but she had to trust me that it was not a good idea.

She has to trust that if I pick her up I am not going to drop her… what I feed her isn’t genetically modified with aborted mermaid fetuses… when I bathe her I am sure to pick her up when she falls face first into the water. I am constantly micromanaging her to adapt to my will, and everyday she still looks at me with these big trusting eyes. She lets me swing her around, hold her upside down, stick her toes in my nose, pick her toenails… Wow I totally got to think of a practical joke to screw with her right? She is such a sucker!