Kids are so fucking impatient. They really need to relax. Hey, are you going to read the next sentence? I really need you to read this next sentence right now. Are you there yet? Are you at the next one yet? And the next? GAWD THIS IS TAKING FOREVER HURRY UP!
I think the reason why kids are so impatient is because they have no concept of time. Five minutes doesn’t mean porcupine poop to them. Although time is supposedly objective, there is a subjective experience to it. Sometimes it flies by, and others it lingers like a fart in a car. A few minutes can feel like forever when you are waiting for something you really want.
But I dig why time is confusing for children. In many ways it is just an illusion that we all agree has meaning. Of course, there is a reality that time passes which is articulated by the rising and setting sun and the birth and death of the seasons. But the way we internalize time doesn’t represent it accurately. In nature time is cyclical, where in modern western culture it is linear. If you think of time as existing in a line then you are always running out of it, but when you see it as a circle then you know that you are always coming back to it. So our perspective of time does not exactly reflect the truth of it, and maybe that is why children resist it so. Because intuitively they know we have it all wrong, but they can’t explain the wisdom of the universe that they still possess because they don’t have the language skills and are too busy eating their boogers? But perhaps we see time in this way because we don’t know where we were before we were born, and we don’t know where we are going when we die – so time seems finite in that same way that our lives do. Oh wow… that is sad. I think I am going to go cry for a bit and look in the mirror to cry more because the reflection of my sorrow makes me feel so sorry for myself and makes me cry even more.
For The Munch, everything that happened in the past she considers it taking place “yesterday.” She will say things like, “do you remember yesterday when I was born?” She is also really disturbed by the idea of tomorrow. I think that is because I am always telling her things will happen tomorrow. Tomorrow you can have another cookie, or tomorrow you can wear your ladybug bathing suit to school.
Munch: Mamma, is today tomorrow?
Toni: No sweetie. Today is today. Tomorrow is tomorrow.
Munch: NOOOOO TODAY IS TOMORROW!!! YOU SAID TOMORROW YOU CAN HAVE A TREAT AND TODAY IS TOMORROW!!!
Toni: Well, I did say that. So today you can have a treat. But today is not tomorrow. And since you are having a treat today, now you can’t have one tomorrow.
Munch: WAHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHHAAAA!!!
The future also confuses her. She knows her birthday is the second of July, but she doesn’t want to turn 4. She wants to turn 2.
Munch: Mamma, on my birthday, I really want to turn 2. Not four.
Toni: Dude, that can’t happen. You are turning 4.
Munch: But I don’t want to be 4. I want to be 2!
Toni: Much, what comes after 3 when you are counting to 10?
Munch: 4
Toni: See. So since you are 3 right now, you are turning 4 next.
Munch: Well, maybe I will just turn 5 ½ instead.
Toni: Fine. Sounds like a plan.
Munch: Mamma, how many birthdays will I have?
Toni: What do you mean? Like this year? Or in your life into the future?
Munch: Like in my whole life into the future.
Toni: I don’t know sweetie. How many do you think?
Munch: Ummmm I think 6.
Toni: NOOOOOOOOO! YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE LIKE 80!
Munch: Oh! Okay! How about 80+20+2+6+2 weeks.
Toni: I think that sounds like the perfect amount of time.
