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Projectile Vomit And Anal Angst About Colons

I know what you were thinking… “Man… I haven’t heard a good vomit story in a while.” Well look no further!

First, a little background. So far, I have been pretty anal about what I feed the Munch. You see, a few years ago I did something called the “Master Cleanse” where you don’t eat for 10 days and drink solely water with lemon, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup. Why would any one do such a thing? To cleanse your colon that is why. Like it or not, you have a lot of years of impacted shit in there.

Okay… wait… vomit and shit? Now this is what I call a story!

After 10 days of not eating you are supposed to break your fast with oranges. So of course I ate 10 of them. That night, I shat out oranges. There they were, sitting in the toilette just the same as when I ate them. I even debated picking some out and eating them again because the store was closed and I didn’t have anymore.

You see, The Munch’s colon is as clean as it is ever going to be. She eats carrots, she poos carrots. There is a beauty in that you may not see if you are too busy retching, but trust me, it’s there. So the only things I have fed her are pure veggies that I steam and crush myself. Soon I will be churning butter for her and wearing a bonnet, but I haven’t gone there yet because I have yet to introduce dairy.

However, my friend had these little kid organic puffs that her son was enjoying so much. He was having the best time gnawing away at those things so I decided to give The Munch one… which led to two… which led to 8. Maybe I should have been more cautious considering she had never ate anything like that before, but I know I can’t stop after just one delicious puff.

A few hours later I am at a birthday party and The Munch starts to act weird. Now, I live in the woods mind you, so the party I am at is really a few people standing around salsa in a cabin talking about the weather and the intensity of bug season. The Munch was hugging me, which she never does, so I sat down with her facing me in a straddle thinking we would have a nice little bonding moment. And then it happened. She looked at me, and projectile vomited in my face. Not a sweet little spit up mind you, but a full on, bursting throw-up. She continued to heave her body convulsing as she barfed down my shirt, created a puddle in the crotch of my pants, splattered some onto the floor, and then of course made sure there was still enough puke to cover her cute outfit. As a wiped puke out of my mouth all I could say was…

“Now that is what I call a party!!!!!”

Because I am not a sociopath, I had to care for my sick child and not ask anyone to take a picture of the cataclysmic even though you know I wanted to!! So I created a nice reenactment for your enjoyment 🙂