I used to have a lot of drama in my life. It was like my life was an off Broadway play, or performance art piece. There was always a lot going on, too many characters, the message wasn’t exactly clear, and I was often wearing a hot dog suit with Minnie Mouse ears.
It is said that we attract the type of energy that we are putting out in the world. So I guess there was a manic, insecure element to my past self. I wanted too much from existence and didn’t know how to get it. I wanted to consume everything, to be everywhere, to try it all. So I think my inner turmoil was like a magnet for people that would cause spectacle in my life.
For example, there was this choreographer I met who wanted to put on a dance performance in Barbados to raise money for a children’s arts program in his homeland. Sounds like a good idea right? So I got involved, helped him get a grant for $5,000, and traveled to the island for this concert that was supposed to involve his good friend India Arie. Turns out he didn’t know India, embezzled the grant, then came back to the states with me to stay in my house with 3 of his dancer friends as his entourage. My boyfriend and I lived in a one-bedroom apartment and had no idea how to tell these people to leave, so we ended up moving just so they would go away.
It was like my life was always teetering on the edge of pandemonium, with some shady participant pushing me over the ledge towards my own demise. I would like to think my intentions were good, but the result was that there was always something chaotic going on.
Eventually I started to see that the drama in my life, although exciting and entertaining, was addictive because of its distractive quality. As long as I was occupied with the commotion, I wasn’t dealing with the core issues of who I was and who I wanted to be. The production of life was so seductive because it was diverting me from facing myself in the mirror. If I wanted to really deal with the human I had become and figure out my path for the future, I had to take a moment to step off the stage.
And in many ways having a child forced me to commit to calming my existence. Being a mom has grounded me not only because I want the best life for my kid, but I also want to be someone she can look up to even when she is taller than me. Every decision I make now travels through the filter of “how will this affect my daughter,” and that has helped me be less impulsive and more responsible. She inspires me to realize what is important and put my focus there. And there is also the fact that The Munch is the biggest drama queen put on planet earth and there really is only room for one per family.
(Practicing her pout…)
