Hey world. So this really awesome thing has been happening to me where my vagina bleeds every 2-weeks rather than 4. It is amazing. I love it sooooooo much! Thanks nature! I don’t want to kick you in the twatt at all!
In case it isn’t clear, I am in a really shit-tastic mood. So you can imagine how pumped I was to go grocery shopping with The Munch at the stupid organic store, only to realize that I didn’t bring my own eco-friendly bag. I don’t know if you know this, but needing a bag at the hippy store is about as offensive as taking a shit in the middle of the aisle and then refusing to wipe. When the cash register lady realized I had the audacity to admit I didn’t have my own $30 hemp bag, she acted as if I was single handedly responsible for destroying the planet with my selfish needs.
Cashier: “Wait, so you didn’t bring your own bag?”
Toni: “No I am sorry. I didn’t plan to go shopping today, but then I realized I had time so….”
Cashier: “So you don’t leave them in your car?”
Toni: “Well, I guess the last time I used them, I left them in my house and forgot to bring them back to my car?”
Cashier: “Well that is what you have to do next time.”
Toni: Okay… sorry.”
Cashier: “Yeah, well you should be.
Yeah I get it lady!! I agree with you…. but I made a fucking mistake! And then of course, as The Munch and I were walking to the car, the stupid hippy paper bag broke and all my groceries fell into the dirt – because a pavement parking lot isn’t organic enough! It made me feel like the cashier pissed in the bottom of the bag specifically to make it tear on me. So then I had to shove dirty groceries in my car that was just cleaned as The Munch demanded to eat her muffin on the ride home.
Toni: “Please Munch… the car just got cleaned… please don’t make crumbs with your muffin.”
Munch: “But Mamma, it is already all dirty. See! See how the groceries are dirty?”
Toni: “Yeah, I see Munch. Thanks for pointing that out.”
The only thing that made any sense to my day was that I would have at least an hour to make voodoo dolls and stab them while The Munch napped. But of course she didn’t nap because she “wasn’t sleepy” and wanted to show me something downstairs. That something being a half eaten lollipop she wanted to finish.
Munch: “I don’t want to sleep. I want to go down stairs with you.”
Toni: “Munch, you need to go to sleep.”
Munch: “Can I lay on your tummy? I want to lay on your tummy.”
Munch: “Mamma tell me a story.”
Toni: “Once upon a time there was a little girl named Adelia and her Mamma really wanted her to go to sleep.”
Toni: “Ummmm yeah… tell me another story instead.”
LOVE YOU! I am going to go find someone to karate chop.