The Toilet Paper Incident

There is nothing quite comparable to fighting with your parents as an adult.  It is not like a normal disagreement that you would get into with a normal person.  When your mom or dad is mad at you, there is a power dynamic that ensues – one where they feel the need to infantilize you.  No matter how old or mature you may be, when you parents are angry with you, they will scold the shit out of you.

I usually try to avoid the wrath of my mom or dad.  I pretty much know what annoys them, and can circumvent obvious triggers.  But every once in a while, I am a casualty of circumstance, and piss one of them off.  In this case, it was my mom.

So where I live, I am neighbors with my mom.  But she doesn’t spend all her time here.  She usually is in Boston. Yet she is here during the summers and some specific weekends.  Point is… there are many many many many days where she is not here.

Last week during snowmageddon, I was snowed the fuck in, and of course, ran out of toilet paper.  Now this is one of those household items that you cannot live without – especially as a female.  Every pee has to be attended to in some manner, because dripping dry takes too long for any sane person to deal with.  And you can’t go around with stinky pee-scented cootch.

Liliana, Munch’s baby sitter, was going past my mom’s house so I texted her and asked if she could grab some toilet paper.  In my mind she would grab a roll, but the place I told her to look only had an entire package.  When Liliana traversed through the tundra to give me the toilet paper, I realized I hadn’t communicated my one roll only need.

After thanking Liliana and looking at the full package, I knew there was some serious potential for drama in my future.  Because now I had to remember to restock my mom’s toilet paper before she came back up again – and this is the type of adult behavior that I am really not very good at.

I knew my mom was coming up the next weekend, so I kept the toilet paper package in an obvious place to help remind me.  Every day I would like and say to myself “ you have to remember to do something about this Toni.”

I think here is a good place to add that toilet paper is a serious point of contention in my relationship with my mom.  Mainly because of her preferred brand in comparison to mine.  My mom only buys “Scott’s,” where I only buy eco brands.  My mom’s philosophy is Scott’s is very thin, and will last an exponentially longer time than my nature leaves.  But my thinking is that Scott’s feels like wiping your taint with wrapping paper, and my hippy shit-sheets are saving the earth because it comes from recycled paper.

Now I had assumed that my mom was coming on Friday, but in fact she actually came on THURSDAY!  I think you can see where this is going.

Toni:  Are you here?

My Mom: I am here!

Toni: Nice! How are you?

My Mom: Well the strangest thing has happened.  Somebody came into my house and took all my toilet paper.

Toni: Huh… that is strange.

My Mom:  I mean, what kind of person would take all my toilet paper?

Toni: Ummmmmmm…..

My Mom: They took it off the rolls, and took my entire package too.  I think I am going to have to start locking my door.

Toni: Well…

My Mom: Was it you? Did you take my toilet paper?

Toni: I mean it sounds like something I would do… but I didn’t take it off the rolls! That is the work of a crazy person.

My Mom: Wait, so what are you saying?

Toni: I mean I may have taken your package of toilet paper.  But I didn’t take rolls off the toilet paper contraption thing in the bathrooms.

My Mom: What the fuck Toni!!! GET YOUR OWN FUCKING TOILET PAPER!

Toni: But Mom…. Listen.  It happened last week during the Noreastern from hell.  I was desperate.

My Mom: Well you should have gone out and gotten your own fucking toilet paper and not taken mine!

Toni: Mom, you wanted me to risk my life to drive through a storm to get toilet paper?

My Mom: Yes! Or you should have prepared better.  I mean seriously Toni what is wrong with you?

Toni: Look I am sorry about the toilet paper.  I honestly thought you were coming on Friday and I was going to get it tomorrow morning.

My Mom: Well I came up today and now I don’t have any toilet paper.

Toni: Mom I am sorry.  I will bring you some right now.   In fact I will go to the store right now and get you some as well!

My Mom: No because you won’t get me the right kind!  You will get your stupid green-bum paper that you go through after wiping your ass 3 times.

Toni: No I won’t Mom.  I will get you the kind you like.

My Mom: No you won’t.   You will get me the wrong kind.  And that is why you stole my toilet paper in the first place.  Because your toilet paper sucks.  Seriously Toni.  GET YOUR OWN FUCKING TOILET PAPER.

(And of course she did NOT let this go… and we argued about it for the next 20 or so hours via text… and I did NOT take her damn Kleenex)