Cribs are amazing because they are like little prisons. You put your kid in one, and they can’t get out. Amazing invention. Who ever came up with that should get a Nobel Peace Prize.
The Munch sleeping in her crib was the best thing about my life. At night, I would put her in it, we would say goodnight, and she would be there until the morning. With all the chaos in the world, this was the amazing consistency that brought balance to my universe.
Until one day when she decided she didn’t want to sleep in her crib any more, because cribs are for babies, and she needed a big girl bed. And for some sick reason my mom told Munch that when she got a big girl bed, she could wake up and go poops by herself- planting the seed for future pandemonium.
This was my fear. Once Munch had a bed, and could get out of it, she would be a free agent. She could walk around and do whatever she wanted, including come in my bed. But after co-sleeping with The Munch for the first 18-months of her life, I have had enough of that. Call me crazy, but it is hard to sleep when someone insists on holding your throat – or as Munch calls it, “cuddling.” Also, my energy is too connected to hers. Any sound or movement she makes wakes me up, and it is like a special kind of torture.
I figured I would get The Munch a bed that she would be really into, and want to sleep in. So we went to Toys R Us, and a piece of me died. We found a purple Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck bed that was made from off-gassing toxic plastic, and was probably fabricated by fetuses in China.
The first night at around 3 in the morning I heard little footsteps come into my room, and The Munch crawled into my bed and snuggled right against my back. Then for the next four hours she proceeded to kick, jab, and choke me.
Toni: Listen Munch, this is not going to happen. You wanted a big girl bed, so I got you a big girl bed, and now you have to sleep in your big girl bed. I can’t have you coming in my bed and kicking me all night.
Munch: I wasn’t kicking you! I was cuddling you!!!
Toni: Well, that is very sweet, but you can cuddle me in the morning when the sun is up. But you have to sleep in your big girl bed during the night. Otherwise you can’t go to school. Your teacher said all the kids sleep in their beds all night and that is the rule.
Okay fine. It is not nice to lie to your kid. But it is not nice to only sleep a few hours a night either so whatever. But it worked. The Munch slept in her bed all night and didn’t wake me up until the morning.
Toni: Munch, are you wearing underpants?
Munch: Yeah! I woke up and went poops all by myself. But I didn’t wipe my bum, so I got some poops on my chair, and the rug, and on the other chair in my room. But don’t worry Mamma. I cleaned it all up.
I got up, looked around, and sure enough on the chair, and on the rug, and on the other chair was a square of toilet paper covering each shit patty left behind. I literally woke up to a shit storm.
Munch: And look Mamma look! I put sparkles on my bear!
And there was an entire bottle of sparkles covering her bear.
The end of the crib era… sigh….