Before having a baby, I was really judgmental of the way people raised their kids. I had all sorts of opinions of what they were doing wrong, and how I would be different. I felt like I could see how people were conditioning their kids to have emotional dependencies, and inadequacies. I was committed to learn from the mistakes of others, and socialize my future baby to be a totally advanced and evolved human being.

What I did not consider while I was an “objective observer” of other people’s parenting, is what it is like to actually be a parent. I find so far, that I am in this cloud of adoration for her, that makes my thinking of how I want to rear her foggy. All these expectations of how I thought I was going to be, have washed away like summer rain as I realize the light of my love is totally blinding.

Now my question is, how do I transform my ideals and my emotions and merge the ideas of my past, with the reality of my present. It is not that I don’t agree with the old Toni, she had some nuggets of wisdom, it is that I never anticipated how hard it would be to actually enforce how I thought I wanted to be.

For instance, I thought I was going to be a disciplinarian. The last thing I wanted was for my kid to have no sense of boundaries. I do not want to be that person who no one wants at their house because their baby is like a wild beast that snorts cocaine. But how am I ever going to say “no” to her?! Everything she does, even if it is slightly destructive or annoying is just her being a Munch. The one time I did say no, when she clamped down on my nipple like a carpenter in training, she got so distraught it almost made me cry!

And you know what? I am sure I am not the only person who silently judges parents! Even though I have a baby now, and can be more empathetic and understanding to all the complexities of parenting, I still find myself judging. So I am sure that people are going to judge the hell out of me and The Munch when she bites someone else’s nipple.