Even though we are all born alone, and die alone, we spend our lives avoiding loneliness. But being alone, and feeling alone are two very different things. You can be by yourself and not feel lonely, or you can be surrounded by people and feel totally alone. Loneliness isn’t a physical condition, but a state of mind.
I feel most lonely when I feel misunderstood. Whether part of a group of people whom I can’t identify with, or when around someone I know intimately but who doesn’t appreciate where I am coming from. That feeling that the person you are sharing yourself with doesn’t get you, and maybe worst of all, doesn’t care to… that is root of loneliness.
I can feel this way at a party where everyone seems to be on a wavelength I am not, or lying next to someone who doesn’t love me anymore. I can feel more lonely around people then I ever could around myself. And mostly that is because it takes the presence of another to remind you how isolated others can make you feel. That we are all these solitary beings trapped by the subjectivity of our own experience. You can never truly explain the nature of your love, your pain, your perception, to another person. The most profound human experiences are all beyond words. I will never know if your hurt hurts like mine, and you will never know if my love feels like yours. The elements of life that truly shape us are outside of the realm of quantifiable data.
Of course, there are ways we can be there for people so they don’t feel so alone in the universe, by showing them compassion and empathy. The effort to relate to their experience is what will make someone feel the ties of humanity, the comfort of connection. But there are times when we have to face our loneliness in a real way and not expect the company of another to distract us from the truth of solitude.
When I was a junior in college I went to Australia for a semester abroad. During that time I had decided that I really wanted to get good at surfing, so I would wake up every morning at 4 am to get down to the beach. Many times I would be the only one there; alone in the darkness of dawn, anticipating the sunrise, floating in the ocean. While waiting for waves I would stare at the water thinking of the people I loved. I could literally feel the quantum connection that bound me to the few people I had really given my heart to, regardless of if they were still on this planet. The extension of my love for them, and their love for me, was like a palpable string bonding our energies. It was then I realized that as long as I let the love live inside me, I would never be alone.
