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I Really Don’t Want To Be Alone

Usually when I put The Munch to bed I lay her in her crib, say “sweet dreams,” and she then sings herself to sleep. It is a pretty low maintenance process with little drama or variation.  But the other night after I left her room, she started weeping and calling for me.

Munch: “Mamma!! Mamma!! I want you!”

Toni: “Munch! What’s wrong??? Why are you crying?”

Munch: “Mamma, I want you.”

Toni: “Well it’s time to do night night and I will see you in the morning.”

Munch: “But nooooooo I want you! Don’t leave me.  I don’t want to be alone.”

Her comment impaled my soul.  “I don’t want to be alone.”  The reality of the human condition -that ultimately we are all totally alone.

So I brought The Munch into my bed for a cuddle, and she lay on my tummy as I stroked her back.  After about 25 minutes I figured I should get her back into her own bed, because I had important things to take care of. Like watching TV.

Munch: “No Mamma no… I don’t want to go to bed by myself.  I want to sleep with you.  I don’t want to be alone.”

What I wanted to say to her was “Munch, you are already alone.  Even when you are around people, ultimately you are still alone.  No one can live in your head, and fully understand your thoughts.  No one sees the view through your eyes.  No one can feel through your heart, and know the nature of its love or how broken it may be.  No one can experience the world through your skin or understand the pain of your existence.  No one will ever truly know what its like to be you, and you are completely trapped in the consciousness of yourself and the body that contains it.”

But…. I had this strange feeling that she wouldn’t feel better if I said that.

Toni: “Listen Munch. You are never alone.  You have so many people in this world who love you, and their love is like fairies that follow you everywhere.  You will forever be connected to that love.  When you are by yourself, the love fairies come and sprinkle love dust to remind you that you in fact are loved, and therefor never alone.”

Pretty good right? Well I had to come up with something… I really wanted to watch some TV.

(I feel you Munch)

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