It is pretty easy for me to feel awkward.  I have a hard time letting go of my inhibitions, especially when I am in a choreographed circumstance.  Put me in a group setting where I am being asked to be free, and I will feel as candid as a Polaroid under water.  It is not because I am embarrassed, but more because I can’t stop over analyzing.  I am too aware of being forced to do something and it makes me introverted and self-conscious.  I can’t stop thinking of how people are judging me because I can’t stop judging them.

When I was in college I used to take an “improve dance class” where we were supposed to move our bodies unrestrained to the rhythms of our own thoughts.  Yeah.  Just move around in silence for an hour and a half.  Try doing this for five minutes.  Just float your body about, but not intentionally, or doing any traditional “dance moves” like the running man.  Do not keep a specific beat.  Just transport your limbs and torso to explore the internal dynasty of your imagination.  Now picture 15 other people doing it around you. Now picture me naked because isn’t that fun?

I think what bothers me most is the contrived nature of it all.  If I was outside by myself and felt like gyrating my hips to the sound of the djembe coming from the tree branches it would feel authentic.  It would be a real experience.  But to be in a group setting where this type of “freedom” is orchestrated, I just can’t let go.

Yet every week I am put myself in this position because of taking The Munch to baby gymnastics and our Mommy/Toddler playtime group.  We have to sing songs, play ring-around-the-rosie, do stretches, sing more songs, clap our hands, sing some more, demonstrate things, and sing some more stupid freaking songs.  And you HAVE to participate otherwise you are a bad example and look like a big asshole.  And those songs have the douchiest words. I feel like such a dork doing this stuff especially because I can tell The Munch thinks most of it is pretty lame herself.  Except for ring-around-the-rosie…. That she is pretty into.

“I just can’t take it anymore.”