Babysitting is one of those things that you just have to do as a parent.  Not because you love kids or are great with them or anything, but because you need people to babysit your kid.  So you have to pay it forward.  It is the way of the cosmos.  When someone needs you to watch their kid, you do it…. Because that is the best way to guilt trip them into watching yours.

This afternoon I watched my friend Cyndal’s baby Asa, who is 3-months old.  At first I was like, “uhhh what the hell do with this thing,” but then I was like “Ohhh I remember! I bounce it around and hold it while shushing in its ear. I got this.” And even though I haven’t taken care of a baby in 3 years, I totally knew the drill.  I was even pretty relaxed when he vomited breast milk in my hair.  And by relaxed I mean I gagged and dry heaved for about 20 minutes.

But I had a handle on what was going on.  I set him in front of the street and let him look at cars, because you know, that is what boys like to do.  I jiggled him around while I ate a mushroom and goat cheese sandwich… which surprisingly smelled and tasted a lot like breast milk.  I hope that had nothing to do with the fact that I didn’t wash my hands?

The thing about a baby that is great is that they don’t talk.  You don’t have to negotiate with them, or bargain, or plead.  They just do whatever you do because they have no choice.  They have no autonomy and it is the best!

Then I babysat Munch’s best friend Hazel.  At first the two girls together were great.  They played, and made an insane mess, but I figured “hey, at least they are leaving me alone.”  But then they started fighting over the red Play Doh, then the green rubber thing, then whether or not the baby wanted to sleep in the stroller or sitting on the elephant.  There were a lot of tears on Munch’s end, as she was the one being forced to share, and was being such a beast of a child that at one point I think I saw God.

Toni: Listen Munch, Hazel’s mommy and daddy aren’t here.  So we have to look out for her.  If she has a toy, it is not about taking turns or sharing all the time. Just find something else to play with.  If it’s in Hazel’s hand, turn your attention elsewhere.

Munch: But I want that green rubber thing!! Whahhhhahhhhaaaa!! Hazel isn’t sharing!

Toni: Dude, Hazel is using it.  Here, lets find the other one.  I think there is a red one.

Munch: There is the red one!

Toni: See.  Here you go.

Hazel: Here, Adelia, you can have the green one now.

Munch: But I want the red one.

Hazel: But you can have the green one because I want the red one.

Munch: Okay.

Toni: Okay stop! Do you see what you guys just did there? You traded! Do you know what trading is?

Munch and Hazel: No

Toni: It is when you have something the other person might want, and you trade if for what they have that you want.  Get it.

Hazel: Adelia has been crying about her toys.  But do you remember when we were in the kitchen and she told me I was funny? I like it when people say I am funny!

Toni: Me too Hazel.  I like that too.

Hazel: I am really funny huh?

Toni: You sure are.  So you see girls listen up okay? This is the deal about life.  You have to look out for each other.  Because that is what being a good friend and a good person is all about.  If I only looked out for myself, I would have never given you juice or made you burger sandwiches.  The point of life is realizing that you have to look out for other people.  You guys dig what I am saying?

Hazel: When my daddy is in the shower, and my mommy is in the tub, I can go into the kitchen and eat all the things that are easy to open.  But I am not scared at all… because I know where the basement is.

Toni: I think I have made my point.

(These pics really say it all…)