There is a campaign going around that is suggesting to ban the word “bossy.” The thinking behind it is that when little girls exhibit the same “leadership traits” as the boys, they are called bossy.
“When a little boy asserts himself, he’s called a ‘leader.’ Yet when a little girl does the same, she risks being branded ‘bossy.’ Words like bossy send a message: don’t raise your hand or speak up. By middle school, girls are less interested in leading than boys—a trend that continues into adulthood. Together we can encourage girls to lead.”
Of course philosophically I am on board with the idea that little girls should not have their self-esteems trampled if they are opinionated and speak their minds. I absolutely agree with, experienced, and have witnessed the difference between how boys and girls are treated, especially in the educational system.
When I was growing up, I was a quiet little girl. I didn’t care about having friends, and was more interested in bonding with my teachers. I kept to myself and waited to get home to play with my brother.
But in the 3rd grade, the popular girl in school was my best friend. Her name was Lizzie, and she wore yellow sweatpants that were the height of fashion in 1989. She also had a long blond ponytail, which swung when she walked. The popular guy had a crush on her, solidifying Lizzie status as the “it” girl of our class.
When she left the school, there was a vacuum. Who was going to be popular now that Lizzie was gone? Toni! She was her best friend.
Then suddenly, I had lots of friends, and was very social. With this attention from my peers came confidence. I was much more likely to speak out and make sure I was heard. Yet with so many more eyes on me than I was used to, it also birthed a pressure to please them. I liked having friends, and part of that was living up to the part.
With this new social standing, I became much more outspoken in the school setting. At times I spoke up because I had an actual opinion I wanted to share about whatever subject we were learning, but other times I just wanted to get attention by making people laugh. I often was called “loud” or told to “be more quite” as I would project my voice to make sure I was heard. Was I bossy? Yes at times I definitely was. I knew what I wanted and wasn’t interested in taking “no” for an answer.
Over time I remember feeling beat down by my “big personality” trapped in a girl’s body. I specifically started noticing in middle and high school the different way teachers reacted to me compared to the boys who had a similar vibe. There was this “boys will be boys” mentality, yet I was something that needed to be controlled, and quitted down.
There were different standards for me because of my femaleness. I am not going to say that I think that was fair, but it also did push me in a specific way to be more strategic about how I related to people. I was repressed because of my behavior, yet this also forced me to be more intentional and aware of it. If I were to objectively assess my past, maybe at times I was obnoxious. Because I became self-conscious of how I related to people, I also became genuinely more successful at it. Rather than “bossing” people around and trying to enforce my will, I instead learned how to motivate people to do what I wanted in a more subtle way – convincing them through inspiring them.
So here is my conflict. I think girls should of course speak their minds, have views, and share their knowledge and truth. No girl should ever feel silenced. However, I also think that the current definition of “leadership” in society is flawed. Leadership in our world of business and politics is not exactly honorable. It is built on intimidation, bullying, power struggles, and self-centered priorities. I don’t want to encourage little girls to be more like the boys who are making the decisions to desecrate our planet, go to war, and prioritize profit above all else.
I think both our little girls and boys should be re-examining what “leadership” means in today’s culture – leadership that involves compassion, understanding, partnership, and compromise. Those who are outspoken can also be encouraged to truly listen and be quite.
For example, I was teaching this ballet class and there was a boy, who was very outspoken, and constantly talking and sharing what was on his mind. He was obviously very confident, and didn’t feel intimated by anyone. He would have been labeled a leader if he was a boy, or I guess bossy if here were a girl. But he was also kind of annoying, and not learning anything because he was so busy making himself known. Then there was this little girl who I never heard speak, and seemed almost shy and withdrawn. Yet this girl who I wasn’t asserting herself in anyway, was observing everything. She was actually paying attention and cultivating a talent by being more subdued and focused. Shouldn’t humility be valued more than hubris?
We are obviously living in a paradigm that is completely demented and probably heading toward our own demise at a rapid speed. Not to be a reverse sexist, but we have been living in a “male dominated” society, where male attributes are glorified. So why are we wanting little girls to act more like the boys? Don’t we want to try something new? Like having the little boys act more like the girls? Or at least meet in the middle? What would a sensitive and caring little girl leader look like? One that is honored because she is cautious and thoughtful.
(Me in the 5th grade… I guess wearing a Brunhilda hat and standing in front of a portrait of yourself is pretty boss).
