I used to have shit to say. I used to be the type of person who dominated conversations. I used to have a lot on my mind. I used to feel sharp. I used to have ideas. No longer. I feel like my mind is coated with molasses, and the effort to think about anything beyond my microcosm of a world seems as difficult as climbing Mt. Everest in Birkenstocks.
Firstly, the only thing I think about is my baby. It is not that I don’t want to think about other things. I just can’t seem to hold on to any other thought long enough for it to formulate into something worth sharing. It is like my brain is playing hide and seek with me, but I am still counting to 100. I try and talk on the phone to people, and unless they want to exclusively hear about how many shits my baby took that day, they are shit out of luck.
Second, breastfeeding makes me seriously spacey. I guess, when you are breastfeeding, your brains produces a hormone called Prolactin, which is designed to calm both you and the baby down. I have to say, nature was pretty smart when doing this because the baby gets all nice and sleepy, and you (the mommy) enter into a state of zen. It is like biology’s way of slowing you down so you are living life more at the baby’s pace.
Conceptually I dig this. I do not think I should make my baby exist in my usual state of perpetual and potentially manic chaos. But I feel kind of like I am high all the time. Not high like just smoked a joint high… more that high of after you have been high for a while, ate a salami sandwich, and are looking for a movie to watch type of high
Lastly, I think the erratic sleeping is also contributing to my brain becoming the consistency of melted ice cream. I have yet to sleep more than 2 hours in a row for months, and I would be lying if I didn’t say that has got to be affecting my mental cognition.
For instance, this week I have…
1) Forgot my social security number
2) Left the house and went to the store with no shoes on
3) Forgot my phone number
4) Put my computer in refrigerator
5) Thought it was a good idea to eat cake for breakfast
6) Genuinely asked my dog to watch the baby for a minute