For the __ weeks that my baby has been alive, I have yet to go anywhere without her. Since I am exclusively breastfeeding, and I can’t leave my tits behind, I really can’t go that far anyway… and to be honest, it never really occurred to me.
Until one day…
My mom and I were sitting around chit chatting about a dietary cleanse she was about to start.
“I really want to start my fast today Toni, but I need lemons to make lemon water, and I don’t have any. I really don’t feel like going to the store…”
I have to admit I was only half listening because I was too busy spacing out staring at my sleeping baby, wondering if I was awake or asleep.
“Maybe you want to go to Shaw’s for me? I can watch the baby while you go?” Whoa! Now I am listening… this is a revolutionary idea!
“Do you think she will be okay?”
“Don’t be ridiculous Toni! Of course she will be okay! Now bunny off and get me at least a dozen lemons. Make sure they’re organic.”
I decided not to over think the moment. Adrenaline was pumping through my veins like I had just jumped out of a plane. It was a mix of total fear, and complete excitement. I was going somewhere. By myself! I am going to Shaw’s!!! (Okay… not that adventurous I know…)
So I jumped in the car, and immediately started speeding. No reason to do that at all. I just did. Then I turned on the radio, and cranked it up so loud it was almost uncomfortable. I felt so strange. Like a shadow of my old self, for behind the veil of my mania I was still wondering what was going on with the baby. I felt the giddiness of freedom, yet there was a background noise like static reminding me of my bundle of responsibility at home.
I realized, at that moment, with “Teenage Wasteland” penetrating my ears, that I was no longer an individual. I am someone’s mom now. I am a possessive noun.
When I got to Shaws’s an emptiness started to overtake me as I looked for lemons. I felt misrepresented. Like nobody at Shaw’s knew the real me because they had no idea I was a mom. They just thought I was some chick buying a disturbing amount of citrus.
As I drove home, I tried to enjoy my time, but then I started to feel that she was hungry. A nagging pull in my gut that would not go away reminding me how there was this baby that needed me to eat. Knowing that, pretty much dampened my ability to enjoy the drive, because I felt in such a hurry to get back to her.
So the moral of the story is that although I am fully aware that there I am more than just my baby’s mother… I still feel being her mom is the most important thing about me right now.