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  • Mr. Sandman is A Drug Dealer

    I scare myself.  There are mornings when I wake up I and feel immensely unnerved by what happened while I was sleeping.  My dreams can be so demented they have to be the work of a crazy person.  I don’t know who is coming up with the shit in my head, but I do know that I don’t trust that person.

    Quick example… and I know… I know… hearing people’s dreams is about as interesting as hearing someone talk about what they were like in highs school, but check it.

    I was either with these two guys, or I was one of them, and we were going to murder someone. For no reason, just going to murder them. But the person we ended up deciding to murder was actually my/his mom, and she did this sneak attack where she pulled out a samurai sword and then cut my/his head off.  Then my friend was pregnant, but she didn’t want to tell me, so her brother told me, but then she told me that she was having sex with her brother.

    WHY? Why did I come up with such disturbing imagery? What is wrong with me?

    What are dreams? Do we sleep to dream? Are dreams related? Are they just a dumping of our consciousness and excess information?  Is it a way for our psyches to process?

    And is Mr. Sandman a drug dealer that is pushing some hardcore liquid acid on me?

    October 12, 2012 • 2 years old, Musings, Sleeping • Views: 3221

  • Rise and Shine Mother Fucker

    “If parents like their kids so much, why are they always trying to get them to go to sleep?                                -janeane garofalo

    Last night when I put The Munch to sleep I prayed.  Not for her wellbeing, eternal happiness, or peace of mind.  I prayed that she would sleep in late.  Because Mamma felt over tired.

    Of course when you need sleep the most, it is as allusive as a cat with a cocaine problem.  I was so tired I couldn’t fall asleep, so I drank some stupid Nighty Night Time tea.  Pretty dumb to drink a pot of liquid at 11pm, and pretty sure  I was waking up ever hour to pee. Then my dreams were all demented making me question my sanity, and at some point my dog started rapid fire sneezing.  The whole scene was a mess.  So when I woke at 4am to pee for the 5th time, I was grateful that I probably had a few more hours to enjoy some REM, but only the early years because their later stuff sucks.

    Of course, at 5:25 AM I heard The Munch SCREAMING!  Yelling for me like her Elmo was having an affair with her baby doll.  It was nuts! Usually if she wakes up during the night all she needs is the music to be turned back on, and she will fall back asleep.  But when I snuck my hand through the door to press play it only made her more ballistic.  I felt like something had to be wrong.  Like she was puking, or her teddy was strangling her.

    “Munch what’s wrong? Are you okay? What is going on?

    Crying immediately stops.

    “Ummmmm, yeah…. I am all done with night night.”

    “What? Are you out of your mind?  It is still dark out! Look Munch, look out the window.  It is still nighttime!  Can you go back to sleep?”

    “Ummmmm, yeah…. No.  I am all done.  Take me out now please.”

    So I took her out of her crib and brought her into my bed because I felt delirious, and not the fun Prince kind of way.

    “Mamma, lets get all nice and cozy under the blanket.”

    Okay, that sounded promising.  I thought maybe she would want to go back to sleep if we cuddled in bed.

    “Mamma, we are all nice and cozy.”

    “Mmmmmmm yes Munch we are nice and cozy.  Now close your eyes for a bit.”

    “Mamma…. Mamma… Mamma…”

    “Yeah Munch, what is it?”

    “I saw Larry on his tractor and he gave me a cracker.”

    “That’s nice Munch.”

    “Yeah.  Mamma… Mamma… Mamma…. Mamma… Look at me.”


    “Mamma, I have blanket.”

    “Right on Munch, you do have a blanket.”

    “Mamma… Mamma… Mamma… Mamma…. Mamma… Go get my baby.”

    So I went and got her stupid baby…. hoping that then I could maybe sleep for just a little more.  But instead she would snuggle under the blanket with her dumb baby, then kick the blanket off, then ask to get tucked in again nice and cozy, then flail around and elbow me in the face, then tell me she needs to “show me something” that something being her tongue.  I am telling you, sleeping beauty’s mother had it made.

    “Yaaaaawwwwwwnnn.  Now that you are awake, dressed, and prepared to start your day Mamma, I am ready to take a nap.”



    September 27, 2012 • 2 years old, baby brain, Sleeping, Talking and Not Talking • Views: 3306

  • Damned If You Do, Damned if You Don’t

    In most of my relationships I try to establish really low expectations of me.  Not to be a jerk, but when someone has an expectation of you, they get really let down when you don’t come through.  So as a way of keeping peace in my life, I make an effort to make sure you don’t think I make too many efforts.

    With The Munch however, I have created a really high standard of what she has come to expect from me.  I am usually never away from her for more than 3 hours, and although I feel grateful to be able to spend so much time with her, when I am gone for longer it disturbs the fabric of her soul.

    Today I went to Vermont for 8 hours to rehearse a dance I am working on,  and then take two amazing dance classes.  Extreme? Yes.  But it is a far drive, there is no where near me that offers classes, child care worked out that way, and most importantly I lost 3 pounds of water retention from sweating- so I am going to take some Facebook pics.

    But when trying to put Munch to bed after a day of indulging my needs, what is usually a very easy process turned into the most dramatic crying fest.  She was like a drunk college girl who just broke up with her boyfriend, found out her parents are cutting her off, and realized she has class everyday at 9:00am next semester.  I tried for an hour to leave her peacefully, but finally gave up and had to leave her sobbing.  There is no worse noise in the cosmos then hearing The Munch crying for me.  Wait… just kidding…. the sound of laughter.

    It is so hard because if I don’t do the things I am passionate about to stay with her all the time I will lose my mind, but if I prioritize myself and have day doing only what I want to do I lose my heart.

    April 25, 2012 • 1 year old, Adventures, baby brain, Behavior, Parenting, Sleeping • Views: 1642

  • Baby Bag

    They say that “necessity is the mother of invention,” but they don’t say something else that matters just as much: if you look online you will probably find out that someone has already thought of it. Have you ever come up with an idea you are convinced is so brilliant, and will make you millions, only to find out it already exists? At first you want to curse the Universe for its personal spite towards you, then slap your computer across the screen for the audacity of suggesting that maybe you aren’t as innovative as you thought. But then you realize you probably wouldn’t have gotten around to manifesting your vision anyway, and feel relieved that you can buy it with a couple clicks and typing in your address. Ahhhhh… the convenience of the modern world where all you have to do is imagine, and then Google search for someone else who has done all the work.

    I had one of these moments the other day when I realized that The Munch has a serious aversion to blankets. I don’t know what it is? Maybe she was attacked by a blanket in a past life, or she thinks they make her hips look wide, but every time I try and put one on her she kicks it off in protest. But it is winter and I don’t want her to get cold, so I feel the pressure to turn up the heat, but then I think of all the wasted fossil fuels and the destruction of the rainforest, so I turn it back down, but then I feel her nose and it is like a little frozen strawberry, so I turn it back up, but then I think of my heating bill, so I turn it back down, and then I realize it is morning and I haven’t slept.

    And then an epiphany came to me.

    “This baby needs a baby sleeping bag!”

    I started creating a mock design for a little baby sleeping bag where her arms could be free, but she would still be covered and toasty warm. I knew I was onto something of epic genius, but then I realized that my sewing machine was in the back of the closet, I didn’t really have the right fabric, I had no idea how to sew a zipper, and I wanted to check my Facebook.

    After a status update and a few tears from looking at too many pictures of people’s vacations, I looked online and sure enough I found that baby sleeping bags already exist! So I got The Munch the best baby sleeping bag on the market (organic of course and woven by woodland nymphs from another dimension of eco-friendliness).

    Thanks Merino Kids for creating something I thought of, but making it way better then I ever could!

    I am jealous Munch! Maybe tomorrow night you can sleep outside!

    January 3, 2012 • 1 year old, baby gear, baby products, Sleeping • Views: 2644

  • It Is Always Something

    Life is a series of things sucking, then not sucking, then sucking again. You will have one problem, then it will clear up, another problem will arise, then that problem will go away and you may have a few hours with no problems, but then another problem comes into your life. No matter what, there is always something going on that sort of sucks.

    Take my issue with sleep for example. Since she was born I chose to sleep with The Munch partly because I love her, partly because it was easier with the breastfeeding, and partly because she was warm. I loved being close to her energy, our dreams intertwining in the astral field, but I did not enjoy how she woke me up every two hours to snack on my fun bags.

    After a year and half of never really sleeping and countless times being sick because my adrenal glands were so taxed, I decided to put her in a crib in her own room. I thought that this was going to be a super dramatic painful experience, but it was surprisingly not. She cried for about 20 minutes the first night, 5 the next, 2 the next, and maybe 10 seconds the days to come.

    Amazing right????

    So now that my sleeping torture is solved you would think life was perfect. Nope wrong. Now she is super emotional and needy in the mornings like a weepy drunk college girl who just broke up with her boyfriend. Thank the universe that I am finally getting sleep and have the patience of Nelson Mandela because I am spending my first waking hours telling her she is pretty, that she will of course find someone new to love, and no your butt is not getting fat.

    Check out how insanely tired I look… My eye bags rival Bill Clinton’s and Vince Vaughn’s!

    December 13, 2011 • 1 year old, Behavior, Musings, Sleeping • Views: 9962

  • Traveling With Baby (Sort of Sucks, And is Sort of Okay)

    Traveling with a baby is intense. Before The Munch I would just bring a tooth brush. I would borrow your underwear, wear all your clothes, wash my hair with your shampoo… okay fine, I actually didn’t bring a tooth brush and used yours when you weren’t looking. Point is, I was a really light traveler because there was no need for me to bring anything when I could just help myself to all your stuff.

    But a baby needs a lot of crap. They need their bath toys, regular toys, nice toys, lame toys, soap, diapers, wipes, clothes, books, food, baby carrier, winter gear, boots, boots for when the other boots get wet, blah blah blah. I felt like even though I was only leaving for a couple of days, I packed enough for an Armageddon. Obviously I am exaggerating. More like a low key apocalypse.

    And then of course you forget something. In my case it was a high chair. I don’t know how it would have fit in the car, but I should have strapped it to the roof if I had any foresight. Not to mention the fact that I went through the trouble of bringing all her eco happy wooden toys made by Pinocchio himself, but she spent the entire time playing with half-eaten dog toys and a spatula. I also should have brought valium, because The Munch slept like crap and fell out of the bed twice. Not for me silly… I am not a lunatic… for her… duh.

    Going on an adventure with a sleeping baby. Doesn’t this field make me look bad ass?

    We are sooooo going for it

    Tired baby = cranky asshole of a baby… Only way to keep her quite while I cooked

    Okay, you can sit on the table as long as you don’t stand up


    But all worth it to hang out with Auntie Gita!!

    December 5, 2011 • 1 year old, Adventures, Sleeping • Views: 1450


    Have you ever been around someone and their child and thought to yourself “Man, that kid is kind of a dick?” You then wonder how the parents tolerate such lame behavior and why they aren’t stricter with their little demon child. I would fantasize about lecturing them on the importance of discipline like the dog whisperer Caesar Milan, and explain how you need to be the pack leader and assert your dominance. Of course this was in my pre-baby days when I was pretty convinced that raising a dog and a baby was basically the same thing. I still kind of think that except a baby isn’t smart enough to poop outside.

    What I didn’t understand and couldn’t relate to, was how much you love your kid even if they are being a total asshole. You may have the awareness to know they are behaving like a jerk, but acting on it can be difficult because you are hard wired to be empathetic to their needs. But is what The Munch wants in life the same as what she needs? And who am I to judge that?

    For instance, I got really sick recently and could not seem to get better. I went to the hippy holistic doctor who told me my adrenal glands were severely taxed from waking up so much at night with The Munch. Her suggestion was that I wasn’t going to get better until I changed my sleeping habits.

    “Hmmmm well she seems to like sucking my soul out of my boobs throughout the night. I don’t want to traumatize her and make her suffer. What if it changes our relationship? What if she feels abandoned by me? What if for the rest of her life she feels like she can’t trust anyone because of this?”

    (Okay, fine maybe I was being a little intense and a tad dramatic, but that was honestly how I felt).

    “Well Toni, it is going to be a transition, and she might be angry at first. But you are the parent and sometimes you have to make the hard decisions because they are the right ones. She may not be happy about it, but she will get used to it, and maybe you both will get more rest at night. She is probably pretty tired too.”

    I know this sounds dumb, but that was a revolutionary concept for me. Making a decision she may not like because it is “best.”

    Here is a problem about being a parent. How do I know what is best for The Munch? Doesn’t she know what is best for her, and I should be a guide to help her see her own truth? Or am I being too idealistic and she is just a baby who needs to be told what to do? I am having a hard time being the boss of The Munch because I tend to take my cues from her. Probably why I spend a lot of my time giving airplane rides and pretending to fall down. Maybe she is the boss of me…

    She does know how to rock a pair of plaid pants that is for damn sure!

    October 12, 2011 • 1 year old, Behavior, Disciplining, Health, Musings, Parenting, Sleeping • Views: 1645

  • Fighting Sleep

    Don’t you love sleeping? Aren’t there many mornings where you wish you could sleep for just five more minutes. Do you ever feel like you could sleep all day? Have you ever been sleeping with someone and thought to yourself “man, I kinda wish I was actually sleeping.”

    Although if you think about it too hard, isn’t it nuts that every night we lay down and wait until we become totally unaware of our surroundings and completely immersed in our imaginations? Doesn’t that seem dangerous to you? It is hard to imagine how this practice evolved when we were living in caves, except maybe for the fact that we were bored as shit living in a cave!

    But why is it that children fight sleep? They never want to go to bed. Do you ever remember being a kid and saying “hey mom… I think I am going to just go lay down and take a nap while you continue playing Nintendo.” No you don’t… because a kid would never say that! They wrestle, moan, and complain about how they want to stay up. When I was young I remember thinking I was going to miss something by sleeping.

    Maybe sleep is more important to you as you age because you do want to miss out on life for a little bit. It is the ultimate escape from reality. You crave being totally unplugged from thinking about your life, and it is quite likely the only time where you actually experience your imagination.

    But for a child who lives in their creative imaginative minds all day, reality is what they desire. They don’t have any problems they need to getaway from because they are more interested in figuring out what trouble they can get into.

    “Man this sleeping thing is a drag… I can’t wait until I wake up and put my hands in the toilet, eat dog food, and fall on my face 100 times.”

    September 12, 2011 • 1 year old, baby brain, Behavior, Sleeping • Views: 1694

  • Vulcan Neck Pinch

    You know the frustration of trying to fall asleep? You roll around into different positions. Sigh heavily. Try and focus your mind so you stop thinking about all the stresses of your day, but you can’t, so then you get stressed out about how you can’t stop stressing out. Maybe flail around then think you have to pee. Then think “no, I just peed.” But the fact that you thought about peeing makes it so you can’t stop thinking about pee. So you get up to pee, and the most unsatisfying dribble comes out which makes you mad. Then you get back into bed resentfully because of that wasted trip to the bathroom for the lame pee that only woke you up more. Sigh again. Roll around some more. Then get stressed out about how tired you are going to be tomorrow because you didn’t get enough sleep.

    Sometimes falling asleep sucks and I get that. But when The Munch can’t fall asleep it is really annoying. Mostly because I am there watching her process and she just gets to pee in her pants and not bother with the whole “should I go to the bathroom” conundrum which makes me jealous. But also because I want to do other things like look at pictures of her on my phone.

    If I try to leave while she is still awake she cries, and even though I could just let her cry, I can’t actually go through with it. Especially because if I come back into the room she immediately stops crying and that makes me feel special. Total ego boost.

    But what if I learned the Vulcan Neck Pinch? Just a little pinch in just the right pressure point to knock her out. No harm no foul right?

    “But I don’t feel like sleeping!”

    August 11, 2011 • 1 year old, Sleeping • Views: 10414