I kind of think vets are scam artists.  I know they help your pets and all, but every time I am there they push Heart Guard and Frontline like a crack dealers.  They guilt trip me for not wanting to get the $2000 vaccine package like I am a bad person, and act like I don’t love my dog if I don’t do exactly as they suggest.  I have never walked out the door without spending at least $600.

So I tend to avoid the vet.  I only take my dog when I think it is really necessary.  And this was one of those times.  Her breath was not okay.  It was pretty rancid.  Considering she is 11, I figured maybe it was time to get her teeth cleaned.  So I made an appointment…

Vet: “Okay, you will bring Mona in at 8:30 and can come pick her up at 4.00”

Toni: “Alright.”

Vet: “She is going to need some general anesthesia because we put the dogs down for dental cleanings.”

Toni: “She needs anesthesia to brush her teeth?”

Vet: “Yes.”

Toni: “Okay… is that going to be safe for her?”

Vet: “Well, we do a full exam before hand and check her for heartworm and other complications.  So that will be an extra $200.”

Toni: “Yikes.”

Vet: “I also see that she is due for some vaccines.  The lxkdjfoainx and the xdjfsoif and wait one other… uyidjakdcdso.” (I wasn’t really listening).

Toni: “Yeesh.”

Vet: “So should we go ahead and do all of those.  Mona is getting older and these are very important if you want her to live a long healthy life. You do care about her right? You do want the best for her don’t you?”

Toni: “Yes of course.”

Vet: “Okay great.  So I will set you up for those. Your total comes to $670.  See you Thursday.”

Toni: “Great.”

Munch and I went to pick Mona up and were then told a whole list of potential problems my dog may or may not be having.

Vet: “You see how her skin is scaly on her tummy? She may have Cushing’s disease”

Toni: “Oh dear.”

Vet: “Have you noticed a lot of frequent urination? Or drinking of water?”

Toni: “I mean I guess.  She does drink water and she does pee.  How do I know if it’s frequent?”

Vet: “Yes that sounds bad.  We highly suggest you do the senior’s evaluation as soon as possible.  That is of course if you have a soul and want your dog to live a peaceful life.”

Toni: “Okay lets do it.”

Vet: “Great we can schedule you for Monday.  Make sure to get a urine sample into this cup before you come in.”

Toni: “How on earth am I going to do that?  I don’t have her potty trained to pee in cup.”

Vet: “You just have to follow her outside with a plate of a bowl and slip in under her as she squats.  Then you would poor the urine into the cup and keep in the refrigerator.”

Toni: “Sounds easy enough.”

Vet: “Fantastic.  So that will be $600 for the senior’s visit when you come.  Have a great weekend.”

Toni: “Great.”

As we left The Munch decided she wanted to go to the beach to play outside with Mona.

Toni: “We have to go get some wet food for Mona Munch first.  She had two teeth pulled when she got her teeth cleaned.  So she needs soft food.”

Munch: “Lets go to the beach first and then get wet food.  She wants to run around.”

Toni: “Okay.  But just for a bit.”

We get to the beach and are having a grand old time until…

Munch: “Mamma, quick.  I have to go potty!”

Toni: “Pee or poop.”

Munch: “Pee.”

Toni: “Okay lets just go outside okay?”

Munch: “Okay quick.”

Toni: “Wait Munch.  Are you pooping?

Munch: “Yes.”

Toni: “Crap we don’t have any toilet paper.”

Munch: “What?”

Toni: “Never mind.  Just concentrate on what you are doing.”

Munch: “I am all done.”

Toni: “Munch I don’t have any toilet paper.”

Munch: “Use some leaves.”

Toni: “Son of a…  They are all so dry.  It’s going to get poops my hands if I use these.”

Munch: “Uh oh.”

Toni: “Listen, I am going to run to the car and see if I can find something. I will be right back.”

Munch: “Okay.”

I ran to the car and found an old mitten.  There was only one, so I figured it was the best I could do.  I got back to Munch and there she was, standing patiently holding her dress up waiting for me.  But mysteriously the poop was gone.

Toni: “Oh no.”

Munch: “What?”

Toni: “Munch, did Mona eat your poop.”

Munch: “Yes.”

Toni: “Oh God.”

Munch: “Mamma, now her teeth are all dirty again.”

Well, at least she got her wet food?