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Spring Up My Ass

Time has sprung forward, but my daughter missed that memo. I don’t admit this proudly, but The Munch normally goes to bed around 9 or 9:30.  It just works out that way.  Even if I get her in bed by 8:30, as soon as I leave the room she gets up, jumps on the bed, stomps around, and calls for me to do stuff for her.  Daylight savings means she is staying up until 10.30 or 11 pm!

Last night she was particularly wound up, maybe because I let her have strawberry sauce at 9 pm as I chatted on the phone. She was so just quiet and content while eating it… and did I say quiet?  Fine – I take some of the blame for that one.  At 9.30 I brought her upstairs, told her an amazing story about a witch who kicked his little sister in the chin because she was trying to steal his ball (Munch believes all witches are boys) and then wished her goodnight.


Munch: No Mamma, don’t go! Stay and cuddle!

Toni: Listen, I told you a story, we did our cuddle. It’s really late and now it is time to go to bed.

Munch: But I am hungry!

Toni: Okay but you had dinner and strawberry sauce.  Besides you don’t want to eat right before bed – you’ll have indigestion and weird dreams.  I’ll tell you what: we’ll have an especially big breakfast tomorrow morning, ok?

Munch: But I need something to eat now! Can you bring me some pasta and pesto?

Toni: Ummmmm, that is actually an insane request.  If you ate pasta and pesto in bed you would wake up covered in ants because you would make such a mess.  It is bedtime — lets focus on that.

Munch: But I don’t want to go to sleep!

Toni: Listen Munch, you have to go to sleep. It is time.  I need to go down stairs to do some work, clean the kitchen, do laundry, and go to sleep myself. I need you to stay in bed and get some rest so you are not tired tomorrow.

Munch: But I am not sleepy!

Toni: That’s ok.  Waiting to fall asleep is a good time to think and be in your own head.

Munch: But I don’t want to be alone! Can you stay with me?

Toni: Being alone is really important. Munch.  That’s how you get to know yourself.

Munch: Okay fine…

Toni: I love you.  See you in the morning.


Munch: MAMMA! Can you come upstairs?? I need you to fix my blanket!!

Toni: Okay, but this is the last time.

Munch: Thanks Mamma.  I love you.  Sleep well.


Munch: MAMMA! My feet are peeking out!!

Toni: Just tuck your feet back into the blanket!

Munch: Mamma, can you come here and cover them, please?

Toni: Okay… but this is really the last time.


Munch: MAMMA!  My Minnie Mouse fell off the bed!

Toni: Well just pick her up and put her back in.

Munch: Can you come up and help me please? I need her to be tucked in up to her neck!

Toni: Okay… but this is the last time I am coming up.

Munch: Thanks Mamma.  I love you.


Toni: Munch! What are you doing down stairs?

Munch: I just needed that thing that I look through.

Toni: What are you talking about?

Munch: That brown thing that I look through like a telescope.

Toni: The paper towel role?

Munch: Yeah I need that!

Toni: Fine.  It’s in the recycling bin. Now go back upstairs.

Munch: Can you come up and tuck me in.

Toni: Uggggg.  Fine, but this is seriously the last time.


Toni: Seriously Munch… what are you doing down here? You have to get back upstairs and in bed.

Munch: But I have a clippy on my nail.  Can you clip my nails please?

Toni: Jesus… okay… I will clip your nails but then right to bed!

Munch: Okay thank you.  Wait… you need to get the thumb too.

Toni: Back upstairs.

Munch: Will you come tuck me in please?

Toni: Okay but for real this is the LAST TIME… I feel like a crazy person how many times I have said that and because I am not sticking to my word it obviously has no meaning to you.

Munch: Okay Mamma, I am listening. I will go to bed.  I love you.


Munch: MAMMA!! I can’t sleep!!

Toni: Munch I am not coming up.  Just turn on your music and sing then!

Okay yeah I am sure there is tons of stuff I did wrong here but she was being so polite and when someone needs a manicure they need a manicure.  Who am I to deny that to Munch?

I, of course, didn’t get to bed until 1 am, when at 6 am in the morning I hear:

Munch: MAMMA!!!

Toni: What is it??

Munch: Can you pass me a toy from my basket to be in my bed with me please?

Toni: Fine… here you go.

6:09 am

Munch: MAMMA!!

Toni: What Munch…. What do you need?

Munch: I just wanted to give you back your hair elastic.

Toni: Thanks.

6:13 am

Munch: (whispering) Mamma…. Can I get in bed with you and cuddle for just a minute?

Toni: Fine… get in. But you can’t wiggle around and you have to go back to sleep.  It’s still dark out –it’s not time to get up yet.

Munch: Okay.

6:19 am

Munch: Mamma… can you tickle me?

Toni: Fine.

6:24 am

Munch: Mamma, have you ever seen the Care Bears where they all switch belly badges?

Toni: Munch, you have to go to sleep.

6:40 am

Munch: Mamma, can I lay on you for a while?

Toni: Fine. Close your eyes and go to sleep.

6:52 am

Munch: Mamma, can you tickle me again?

Toni: I will if you stop talking and go to bed.

7:04 am

Munch: Mamma, can you face me?

7:08 am

Munch: Mamma can you move your hair?

7:14 am

Munch: Mamma, I am going to zip up your sweatshirt more so your nanas don’t peek out. (nanas = boobs)

7:28 am

Munch: Mamma, can you tickle me again?

Toni: Okay. That is it.We are getting up. Lets get you dressed and ready for school.

Munch: But I don’t want to go to school! I am too tired!

Toni: I am sorry you don’t want to go, but  you have school today. I let you stay home Monday because you didn’t get to bed until too late. It’s not my fault you are tired.

Munch: But I am so tired!

Toni: Listen, you can relax for a moment while I meditate but then we are getting dressed.

Of course she fell asleep during the 20 minutes I meditated, not giving a flying fuck in a rolling doughnut that she woke me up at six am.  When I went downstairs to get myself together, I noticed the cat barfed in Munch’s lunchbox.  I don’t know exactly what that signified, but it did feel like a metaphor for my life.

(Here is The Munch taking her morning nap, the cat vomit, and me staring out into the abyss of existence)