My friend recently sent me some “sex tips” from an app, which seems about right for these modern times. Just what we need right? Sex and romance tips straight from the mouth of a phone! Soon your lover will be asking, “where did you learn to do that trick with your tongue and toe?” And you will coyly reply, “oh, that little old thing? From an app! And that wasn’t my toe silly, it was my liver.”  

What a world we live in. Forget the Karma Sutra. Too much reading. And whatever happened to the Joy of Sex? Does anyone on this porn infested planet ever get that book anymore? Do you remember this delightful body of work? I can’t be the only kid that found that gem in my parent’s bedside table, marveling at the complexity of those drawings. I especially enjoyed the detail paid to hair.   

But in today’s times, we turn to tech to fulfill our needs and curiosities about humanity, hence the sex tips app. My friend didn’t send these glorious guidelines of how to please a lover because she thought I needed the advice, but rather to laugh at the absurd gender implications associated with each so-called “tip.” 

Here is the suggestion for how men should treat their women.

The implication here is that “chores” are women’s work, therefor helping with these annoying aspects of life delegated to her will make your lady so sopping wet that she’ll let you slip and slide right inside her. Let’s not question the hideous expectation that often the woman’s role in the relationship is to deal with the mundane activities of “chores” (despite her most likely working too considering the current economic environment). Don’t over think this silly discrepancy fellas, and instead occasionally help her out with the sole purpose of getting your dick moist. Classy stuff.

Let’s move on to the suggestion how women should get their men off!

Wow. So much to unpack here. In order for the lady to entice her man, she doesn’t have to go through the silly charade of doing “men’s work.” She’s not expected to break out her Allen wrench or get under the sink to tighten the plumbing pipes. NO! That would be absurd! She should bow down to his penis and genuflect to all its glory while taking him in her mouth as he stands over her like a king! If you want your man to want you, allow him to feel his power as he thrusts his boner into your gagging throat because he deserves the royal treatment! That will get his attention! 

There was so much that enraged me about this! How in 2019 is this the gendered propaganda being inserted into our psyches? Why pump this outdated hype into our brains? Who is this flaccid thinker that thought these tips were accurate depictions of how we should be relating to each other? I mean seriously, what archaic sexist assumptions gliding in and out of our minds. Also, it’s actually not that bad advice. 

I mean…. I do really like it when dishwasher is unloaded when I wake up in the morning, and I’m sure any guy would enjoy an impromptu BJ on an imaginary throne or standing over you like the god he wishes he was. Exactly what’s so fucked up about this is how equally true it is. We are so embedded in our cultural programming that we can’t escape the data circuits fusing into the most primal aspects of self. You’d think sex, the most animalistic act we engage in, would be safe from the conditioning of society – that there would be something sacred about this sacrosanct act. Yet no. Our sexuality is predicted by the paradigm we exist in. We might as well admit that we are androids of our own making, unable to detangle the influence of society on the strings of our synapsis. 

These sex tips are attempting to illicit romance and connection with you and your partner, but romance is an illusion stemmed from the bouquets of our collective fairytales. The stories we tell to each other define the stories we want to create in our own lives. There is nothing particularly sexy about flowers beyond the expectation that they should feel that way. There is nothing inherently romantic about any of the gestures we make. Unless you fell in love 2-weeks ago, romance is mostly a forced feeling we think we should be experiencing. If you’re in a long-term relationship looking to feel like you did when you first fell in love, well guess what? It’s not going to happen. No “tip” is going to bring back the unbridled desire you had when that person was still a mystery to you. The lust of not knowing someone very well is romantic because romance is predicated on the fantasy you’re projecting onto them. All the love and sex tips we receive are essentially caca manipulating you to think you’re not the mercy of your indoctrination.  

PS

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!