The Munch has pink eye.  In both eyes. It is pretty gnarly.  I am kind of having a hard time looking at her.  I mean I do of course, but not without suppressing gags.  The white part of her eye looks like it’s having its period, and then yellow goo is seeping out of the corners.  Much like her eyeball is ejaculating.

I took her to the hippy doctor, and now I have a variety of immune boosters and leprechaun tears to give her.  I am also supposed to put chamomile tea bags on her eyes, and my friend told me to make a mixture of raw honey and yogurt.

So here is the problem with holistic healing when it comes to your kids.  Sure I could sit around with an eye mask of bear feces and yack butter, because I have the foresight to make the sacrifice of discomfort in order to get better.  But The Munch doesn’t see things this way.  I have spent the last hour chasing her around the house trying to spread gnome saliva on her face, and she is having none of it.  I could of course also go to the regular doctor, but they are going to give me eye drops, or some other crap I have to delicately place on the inner lid of her eye… and that would involve me wrestling The Munch to the floor and pinning her head between my knees.

Pink eye is insanely contagious, and she wont even let me put a condom on her eyes.  Of course she is obsessively touching her eyes too, then touching me, then touching my computer, then touching her eyes again, then crawling all over my bed, then smooshing her face in my pillow leaving a glistening yellow trail behind like a snail, then touching her eyes once more, then touching my face, kissing and hugging me – smearing eye mucus on my cheeks.

Pink eye is a virus that can be contracted by of a variety of potential causes, one of those being fecal matter.  So, this leaves me with a lot of questions.  Is there fecal matter coating my house?  Did someone fart in my child’s face? Or did she fart in her own face? (A feat that should be commended might I add).  Is it from touching the toilet? Are there shit particles on my toilet?

And the real torture is, she wont let me clean her eyes out either.  She freaks out if I try to go near them.  Although I probably shouldn’t admit this, as someone who has many unnecessary scars because I have to pick, prod, and extract everything on my body – it is pretty unfair she won’t let me do that too her.  Especially considering pink eye is revolting to look at.  We were eating lunch together, and I had to look over her head to avoid direct eye contact.  After all, I was eating an avocado sandwich and it seemed to have the same mushy consistency as her eye boogers.  As sorry as I feel for her, and as much as my heart goes out to The Munch, even writing about it now the whole thing really makes me want to wretch.