Breast Feeding

  • How long is too long to breastfeed?

    Imagine you had a pet leech. A leech you had to bring with you everywhere you went, because you loved that leech, and you wanted to protect it. Say that you could either feed that leech by sticking it on your skin, and letting it feast on your blood, or you had to grind up fresh organic steamed veggies that were of course locally grown, and picked by virgins. You then had to let that leech feed itself, so it could “experiment” with food and texture… and then that leech slimed around and got food everywhere. Wouldn’t you just let that leech drink your blood?

    So you get my metaphor right?

    I have this thing with babies and food. They are not neat eaters. They get food all over themselves, and then the food spit paste gets on their hands, and they want to touch everything. Something about it really makes my OCD excel into overdrive.

    And then there is the preparing you have to do. The dishes, the cleaning, the remembering to bring the food with you. All this when I can just use my boobs. They are always there, like trusted friends. They keep making food for The Munch… in fact, I don’t even have to think about it. There is no conscious effort on my part like having to churn butter. It just happens.

    And not to be vain or anything, but breastfeeding is the best diet I have ever been on. I can eat whatever I want, and rather than it going to my hips, it turns into food. It is like I don’t even have to digest… each burger just plops into a boob.

    Now I know things can get really awkward as babies become kids. Maybe not for the parties involved, but for everyone else pretending there are not staring. I have a vivid memory of a boy running over to his mom, lifting up her shirt, getting a top-off, then returning to soccer practice. An image like that never quite leaves you. In fact, if you want to have nightmares for the next 4-8 months check out this video.

    As such, I gave The Munch her first food. An avocado. At first, she was a apprehensive, and there was some gagging and dry heaving involved… but then she got into it. Although I will still breastfeed her for a while, I am paving the path so things don’t get uncomfortable at her prom.

    “Ummmm… are you sure about this whole eating thing mom?”

    “Wait… lemme try that again”

    “Okay… I am into it”

    March 29, 2011 • 5-8 months, Breast Feeding, Mommy Body • Views: 2943

  • Multitasking Breastfeeding

    As you already know, I spend an astronomical amount of time breastfeeding. At first, I would do nothing but feed her, hold her little tiny hand, and love her. My mind and heart were so preoccupied by her magnificence that I just wanted to have this sacred time to be totally present. Now that it has been a 2 months, and I have probably breastfed her close to 40,000,000,000 times, I am beginning to want to do other things while I feed her.

    Not every time… but at least some of the times.

    So I have noticed that reading is okay. She doesn’t mind if I read. Score.

    You know what is not okay? Texting. Texting is not okay. She gets very annoyed by my texting while feeding. As such, you would think that anything with the phone would bother her. Perhaps something about the way it contorts my arms? Or the movement of my hands? But that is not it. You know how I know that. Because looking at pictures of her on my phone is permitted. I can look at pictures of her. Even send pictures of her. But no texting.

    Eating is also allowed. She doesn’t seem to mind that I eat, but I do get crumbs on her head, which makes me feel like a barbarian.

    Talking on the phone is only tolerated if I don’t get too animated.

    Watching things on the computer is only sometimes acceptable. It depends on what I am watching, and the tone of what is going on. I have to be watching the right thing… like Teen Mom.

    March 10, 2011 • 5-8 months, Breast Feeding • Views: 3539

  • The Munch and my Boobs

    I am sure that you are aware that my boobs are attached to me. They are part of the overall being that is Toni. I am not sure The Munch comprehends this. The way she treats my boobs seems like she is not making the connection that they hang off of me. It is like she has her own relationship them, separate from her relationship to me.

    For example, she talks to them when she is upset. It doesn’t matter what my face says to her to try and console her. She doesn’t want anything to do with my face. But when she gets to my boobs, she tells them everything! I am like “Uhhhhh… I am right here! I can hear you? You aren’t even talking behind my back.” But she doesn’t care what face is saying, she just goes right ahead and gossips to my boobs about what a jerk I am for not letting her put my phone in her mouth.

    Maybe my face can’t compete with my boobs because food doesn’t come out of my face. Maybe if cupcakes spewed from my nose I would have a whole lot more friends?

    March 6, 2011 • 5-8 months, baby brain, Breast Feeding • Views: 2625

  • Playing With Your Food

    Playing with your food at the dinner table is rarely acceptable behavior. Playing with your food when your food comes out of my nipple is definitely not okay.

    Munch… let’s be straight… it is a “no no” to play with your food right now. Not going to go deeper than that…. Just going to say, “ummmmm… yeah….. no.”

    February 24, 2011 • 5-8 months, Breast Feeding • Views: 2360

  • The BEST Idea I EVER Had

    A couple of years ago I had an idea. An idea that I thought so brilliant… so profound… so worth of sharing that I had to make a video depicting my fantasy of it.

    What is this idea you must be asking yourself! What could possibly warrant an introduction of such self-gratifying language?

    And that idea my friends… is Human Cheese.

    I was traveling cross-country, making my way through Oregon when my friends and I decided to stop at the Tilamook Cheese Factory. Why did we do this? Not because we were high… (exclusively) but because it was there! And that is just what you do.

    At the cheese factory, which as you may be able to imagine was quite disturbing, I started thinking of why we eat cow cheese. Who was the first person that came up with that idea? “Yes, I am going to take this liquid from a cow’s tit, cook it, curdle it, make it nice and chunky, and turn it into hard mold. And then I am going to eat it!”

    And why cow cheese? We as humans have a history of sucking on human boobs, not cow boobs. Who was that guy who looked at a baby cow nursing his mom and said to himself “Now that’s a good idea!” How did this catch on? How did we start manufacturing cow dairy? Why not human dairy?

    Since I made this video, my friends and family have sent me an alarming number of articles on the subject. I guess I am not the only genius who came up with this thought. Sigh. (see example below)

    But… I am the only smart ass who made an awesome video about it. Check it!

    January 22, 2011 • 3rd month, Breast Feeding, Environmental Impact, Mommy Body, Mommy Mind, Musings • Views: 2667

  • Breast Infections

    If there are two words that you never want to hear strung together in a sentence… its breast and infection. The visual of that alone is enough to put me in a state of convulsive horror. However, surprisingly enough, a breast infection is not the visual catastrophe as the phrase may imply, but rather an infection inside your breast. In short, it is a clogged milk duct. Still gross sounding non the less.

    How do I know all this about breast infections you may ask? Yes… you guessed it… I had one.

    If you do not take care of them immediately, most often a doctor will put you on antibiotics. I called my doula Sage when I got mine, who told me I had 24 hours to try and get better on my own before I should go see a doctor. So this is what I did to get rid of it, and lucky for me, I was able to heal with natural remedies.

    1) The second you know you have one ACT IMMEDIATELY. For me, I felt super tired, had a headache, and felt feverish. I maybe would have assumed I was sick, except for the soreness on the side of my boob close to my armpit. That tenderness made me know it was a breast infection.
    2) Get organic purple cabbage and put it in your bra. Yes. Do it. Something about the cabbage helps. I swear.
    3) Have the baby nurse on the infected side. (Remember… it is not really an infection… but a clogged duct. The baby can suck it out. Kinda like a kidney stone that needs to pass. You should point the baby’s chin towards where it is sore. So for me, that meant doing the football hold.
    4) NURSE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE (May be a little tender, but do it. The baby will help you work it out!
    5) APPLY HEAT! Either by taken baths, showers, or a heating pad. Or all 3.
    6) Massage the sore spot (especially after you have heated it)
    7) Take vitamin C
    8) Drink massive amounts of orange juice (more vitamin C)
    9) Drink INSANE amounts of water. Like so much water that you wish you wore a diaper you will be peeing so much. (Helps flush it out and hydrate you).
    10) Take Echinacea pills (as much as the dose will let you in a day.
    11) Drink Echinacea tea (one cup every 2 hours).
    12) Eat oranges

    I swear on everything holy that these above things worked for me. But YOU HAVE TO DO ALL OF THEM! Send someone out to get you anything you don’t have! You need to do everything! I know, maybe it seems like a lot, but it really helped me. I was better in about 12 hours.

    January 20, 2011 • 2nd Month, Breast Feeding, Mommy Body • Views: 3604

  • Baby Rashes and Breast Milk

    As I was staring at my beautiful little baby’s face, I noticed something. A rash. Gasp!

    “Mom! What is this? What is on her face?”

    “Oh Toni, that is just a little rash… all babies get rashes.” Not my baby!

    Not that I have unrealistic expectations of perfection… I just didn’t want my little love button to have a rash. I personally hate rashes… and even though this one was pretty mild, I had nothing else to think about.

    Later that day, as she was slobbering on my boob having her 30th meal of the day, I noticed that she was kinda drooling breast milk out of the corner of her mouth. Not sure what possessed me to do this, but I dipped my finger in the milk that was seeping down her cheek, and put it on her eye-lid where the rash was.

    Low and behold, a few hours later the rash was totally gone! I don’t mean improved, I mean disappeared. Since then I have tried it a few other times, and EVERY TIME THE RASH GOES AWAY!

    So if you baby has a rash, try breast milk before you try any product. I swear it totally works! If you are not breast feeding, I also found that “Burts Bee’s Diaper Rash” cream works really well too!

    January 13, 2011 • 2nd Month, baby body, baby products, Breast Feeding • Views: 27665

  • All I Do Is Feed This Thing!

    Okay, seriously, all I do with my day is feed this baby. I never in my wildest dreams imagined how much such a little tiny being could eat. I swear on everything holy, if she had her way, she would be permanently stuck to my boob.

    So here are my little perils of breastfeeding that keep my day exciting, considering that is how I am spending my time.

    1) If she pukes, you would think she wouldn’t want to eat for a while right? Like she would be all “Ohhhh, I don’t feel so good. I just barfed. I think I am going to take a break.” But au contraire my friends. It just means she is hungrier because her stomach is empty! It defies all logic!

    2) She chokes! It is almost embarrassing for me. I have to apologize for my excessive milk flow that is ricocheting into the back of her throat causing her to get all red faced and cough, cough, cough, it out. You would think there would be some sort of valve or mechanism to control the flow. Like I could twist the nip and turn it down a bit.

    3) I feel like a human vending machine. If I am going to producing liquid food out of my boobs… (Okay… lets just digest that for a moment… I am producing food with my tits) …you would think I could produce other beverage products as well. Like perhaps coffee, for those sleepy mornings. Or beer, so I could be the life of any party. Why do I have to be such a one trick pony?

    4) Sometimes I wonder if she is thirsty for just plain water. I don’t know about you, but when I am parched, I do not go for a glass of milk.

    5) There are times when I am feeding her with one boob, and the other boob starts leaking. Ummmm this is not cool for me at all. I don’t know about you, but I do not enjoy leaking out of any orifice of my body, let alone one I didn’t previously understand had a hole.

    January 7, 2011 • 1st Month, Breast Feeding • Views: 2390

  • The Secret to Baby’s Happiness

    This baby is almost permanently attached to my boob. I never knew that my nipple could make someone so happy. It is like my boobs have magic heroin in them and they are the solution to all her problems.

    If she is hungry, the nip satisfies that… if she is tired, the nip knocks her out like a shot of whisky… if she is emotionally distressed, the nip calms her like valium. So far, if there is any problem in her life, my nip seems to be the answer. If only the rest of her life could be this simple.

    Come to think of it, if only the rest of life could be that simple. Why do we ever stray from these basic comforts? I could see it now… my baby as president, at a world leader conference, solving all global problems. “World hunger?” She would say with a pen in her mouth and distinguished glasses, “Ahhh, well my mom’s nip is the answer to that! War you say?? Yes, yes, my mom’s nip will calm that chaos down. Really puts people at ease you know?”

    Why do we make life so complicated as adults? With all our excessive needs and wants we forget that it is the simple things in life that make us happy. I know that sounds like a total cliché, but take a minute to see how miserable people are because they don’t have what they think they want. The more complex the desires, the less gratifying the result. We live in a culture that is impossible to satiate, because there is always something in the horizon to market, promote, and buy.

    I know you all have had one of those moments when you look at a baby and think “Gosh, if only I could be that happy.” Kind of like the same envy that can be felt for a dog. Their simplistic joy is intoxicating. I guess my point is sure, material luxuries can bring temporary contentment, but I don’t think that a Ferrari has ever made anyone as happy as my boob does to my baby.

    December 9, 2010 • 1st Month, Breast Feeding • Views: 3253