Reading and writing is good and stuff.  It important.  I care much reading nice.

I spend a shit ton of my life writing and reading, so of course, theoretically I want The Munch to share these passions.  But reading children’s books is as boring as sitting on the toilet without your phone, and I desperately fear the day Munch starts writing about me… because boy am I in for it.

But of course I have to prioritize The Munch’s education over my own selfish needs of wanting to avoid crappy kids books, and my desperate attempts to censor my child from exposing me like I have her.   Ahhhhh parenting.  The sacrifices we make!So I read The Munch books everyday, and then I read them again and again until she memorizes them and feels somewhat in control of her existence.

Of course not all kid-books are torturous.  There are classics like Madeline, Pippi Longstockings, Peter Rabbit, and The Runaway Bunny.  Even though some of my favorites have demented values and a slightly skewed moral compass, I still appreciate the tangible effort and artistry that is put into the illustrations.

But what drives me crazy about most modern kid-books is the computer-generated art that goes along with it.  If the book is beautiful, and someone took the time to hand draw each page as if it mattered, then I can truly honor it.  But when its some shitty story about some shitty talking peanut with shitty ass pictures I pretty much want to throw up in my hands.

I crave some sort of stimulation when reading to The Munch, so when the stories and art blow cock I want to blow my brains out.

So the other day I was searching through my shelves and saw a book called “I Haiku you” that was a gift from her babysitter.  I figured that would at least be somewhat intellectually titillating.  But even though I found the book to be quite poetic, I realized that toddlers don’t really understand metaphor.

Toni: “your rainbow colors

come out to play when it pours-

chase the gray away”

Munch: “But I can’t see it chase the gray away!”

Toni: “Well, it’s not exactly chasing the gray away.  Its just that when the kids draw a rainbow it makes the rainy day seem less gray.”

Munch: “Oh.”

Toni: “Here, I will read another…

what are the chances

maybe one in a million?

what luck I found you

Munch: “But I can’t see one in a million!”

Toni: “Munch you can’t take this so literally, one in a million is an expression and she is talking about the 4 leaf clover she found.”

Munch: “But what are the chances? What are they?”

Toni: “It’s also an expression.”

Munch: “But I can’t see what are the chances?”

Okay, fine. So maybe I get why kid-books usually try and keep shit simple.

“Mamma I can’t see love letters in the tummy!!!!!”