Ma’am Can You Stop Yelling

You know what is a really good time? Waiting on hold for a corporation to talk to you. Especially when you tortured every five minutes with an automated messages that says “The wait is taking longer than usual to talk to a representative. Someone will be with you shortly.” So you sit there eating rice one grain at a time contemplating the second time you lost your virginity because the first time really didn’t count.

I had one of those moments the other day waiting to talk to Fairpoint. Now that I live in the sticks the internet here is about as reliable as a hammock made of silly putty, and Fairpoint is the only provider in the area. They are like an internet dictatorship. They treat you like crap, never come when they say they will, and will eat a ham sandwich then tap a nap while you are on the phone because they know there is NOTHING you can about it. I don’t know how to work the internet! I can’t talk to space and get a signal through my armpit. I don’t even know what the internet is? I just want to turn my computer on and magically watch Youtube videos and troll around Facebook.

So after being on hold for 40 minutes I finally get on the phone with a representative. Now… keep in mind, this ENTIRE time I am on hold The Munch was SILENTLY playing with her blocks totally content and unaware of my presence. The second I start talking into the phone, she takes notice of me and wants in on the action.

“Hi yes… thank you Fairpoint. I appreciate your taking my call, and I am bowing to you as we speak. Can I invite you to Christmas dinner at my house? Or would you like my first-born? Any way… I am having an issue with my internet…..”

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Mamamamamamamamama. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Nananananananananananana. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

The Munch just started yelling into my ear and subsequently into the earpiece of the phone.

“Ma’am. You are going to have to stop yelling in my ear if you want me to help you.”

I tried to get away from her, but she kept following me like a baby ninja.

“Yes of course. I am sorry and I worship you. But that is not me yelling… it is my…”

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Dadadadadadaadadadadaaddadaadadadadadadada. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Nanananananananananananananananananananana. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

“Ma’am. If you don’t stop yelling in my ear I am going to hang up.”

“No! Please don’t hang up! It is not me!! It is my……”



“Hello? Hello? Hello?”

Silence for both the phone and The Munch who was already back at her blocks.

“Ahhhhhh well… maybe if you put some clothes on me I wouldn’t be yelling in your face…”

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