I hate myself. Not all the time, but sometimes. I think we all have a part of ourselves that hates who we are which is why we so often engage in self-destructive behavior. Although when I smoked cigarettes I loved every disgusting moment of inhaling asphalt into my lungs, isn’t that really just a slow form of suicide? I maybe have had some amazing times getting so hammer cocked I would jump out of a moving vehicle to prove you are not the boss of me, but wasn’t I really just getting wasted to avoid dealing with who I was? The more I get to know myself and be truthful about who I am, the more I also want to punch myself in the face.
I am not going to lie to you… well I just did. But I am not going to lie to myself about who am, and I notice that does not make me like myself more then if I told me a few white lies about me to make me look better to me. Although honestly is heralded as an admirable attribute, people who are brutally honest with themselves are often times more depressed individuals. The happiest people are the ones that have a healthy does of self-preservation and don’t necessarily analyze and criticize their every action.
Lying to ourselves about who we are can actually be something that helps you in life. If you tell yourself “I am the best, and I am going to win” enough, you will eventually start to believe it. But if you are overthink everything and your inner monologue is more negative, albeit accurate and say “You are okay, but you don’t practice enough, you are motivated by ego and the desire to make people envy your achievements, you lack passion because of the fear of what Dad will think if you fail and are consumed by his judgment…” chances are you are going to psych yourself out of a lot of potential success.
But maybe hating yourself is part of really getting to know your self in a meaningful way. Perhaps some people have the propensity to want to rip apart their very being so they can truly evolve even if it hurts. Despite the process being messy and complicated, knowing the truth about who you are will make you eventually rise above the unnecessary complexity of self-loathing. Or maybe I am just lying to myself to feel better about all this.