Feeding a Baby Sucks

Feeding a baby is the equivalent to feeding the Lochness monster who recently came out of hibernation so his dexterity is compromised even more than the fact that he doesn’t have any hands or fingers! And that monster craves independence and wants to show you how he can feed himself even though half the time he mistakes his mouth for his nose. And then when the monster is finished eating, rather than telling you politely “all done,” he just throws everything on the floor to make sure you get the message. Yeah, feeding a baby is just like that.

In order to deal with the psychological trauma, I suggest that you coat everything within a 3-foot radius of the baby with food from the beginning… including yourself… because that way you beat them to the punch and can feel like you won. I find the feeling of having victory over my baby is very important to my overall psychological wellbeing.

Part of me wants to feed The Munch nothing but the neatest of foods. Like Styrofoam, or wood chips. You really can’t make a mess with those. But according to “doctors” you are supposed to feed your child a variety of fruits and vegetables and other food groups. The problem with feeding your child actual “food” is that it is sticky, and smears easily, and can wind up in the crevice of your toes.

Even if you try to control the situation and be the only one doing all the feeding, the baby will keep trying to take the spoon, or dip there fingers in the bowl. They LOVE to play with food. They touch it, see what it feels like in their hair, mush it around, take a bite, ball it up in their fist, see how far they can throw it. It brings The Munch so much happiness how can I deny her?

Maybe my problem is that I am too neat of an eater. Maybe I have something to learn from The Munch and lighten up a bit.

“You see, first you have to feed your knee cherries…”

“Then you got to feed your toes…”

“Then maybe eat some… I personally like to match my food to my outfit by the way…”