Corpoarte Corruption and Influence on the Fragile Child Mind

I used to think that I would be the most significant influence in my kid’s life. That she would look to me to learn how to exist in the world. I would serve as the model of the type of human she would strive to become. She would want to dress like me, have my same interests, and emulate my approach to how I deal with life. Little did I know that the most profound impact anyone would ever have on The Munch’s psyche – is a fucker named Walt Disney.

I don’t even know how I got here. I never anticipated things would get this far. It started simply enough. The Munch was sick and feeling really clingy. She wanted to watch something and sit on my lap. I figured why not a movie from my childhood? Why not Cinderella?

Why? Why? Why? I have been asking myself this same question ever since.

The Munch is obsessed with all things Disney. There is some prissy ass princess punk bitch named Sophia the 1st who The Munch is SUPER into. She also cried for 3-hours the other day because she didn’t have a tail like the Little Mermaid. And don’t even get me started on Frozen. I know see my life as BF and AF (before and after Frozen).

Guess what Disney? All your gender role indoctrination has proven to be a great success. Not only does my daughter want to be a princess when she grows up…. A FUCKING PRINCESS…. But she also wants to live in a castle and wear a crown. Yup. You win.

But this weekend, things go seriously out of hand. I didn’t mean to do it. It was like life was happening to me, and I was a mere ghostly witness to my own actions. It’s not my fault. I am weak. I used to think I had mental strength – but I don’t. Hey FBI… you want a real interrogation technique to make prisoners break? Send them to Target with my 3-year old and have them try to negotiate why she shouldn’t get Cinderella Glass Slippers with high heels.

This is how it all started. The Munch has seriously smelly feet. I never knew kids could have feet that reeked, but I guess when you run around and never change your socks because you HAVE to wear the purple stripey ones every goddamn day, things can get a little funky. So I brought Munch to Target to get some new shoes, because her current ones are so pungent I couldn’t touch them without the odor transferring to my hands.

Munch: Mamma, can I get these Cinderella glass slippers?
Toni: No way Dude, those have high heels.
Munch: But Mamma, I really want them!! Please please please please please!
Toni: Munch it makes no sense for a little girl to wear high heels.
Munch: But Mom…. They are just like Cinderella’s. I really really really really really really really really really want them. Please Mamma. Please Mamma. Please Mamma. Please Mamma. Please Mamma. Please Mamma. Please Mamma.
Toni: Dude… it is totally impractical. They are going to be too tippy to play in. Besides, they probably don’t have them in your size. (Lie)
Munch: Yes the DO! Look Mamma!!! (She holds up a show that is exactly her size to her foot).
Toni: (Sigh) Munch, I really don’t feel comfortable with this.
Munch: Please Mamma. I promise you will feel comfortable if you please just get me these Cinderella high heel shoes.
Toni: Fine. But you can only wear them in the house!

So I got her these stupid plastic high heel shoes, and of course she wanted to wear them everywhere.

Munch: Mamma. Let’s got to the basketball court with my high heel shoes on. And you can wear high heel shoes too Mamma!
Toni: Dude, there is no way you are getting me to wear high heel shoes.
Munch: Mamma you will look so beautiful in your sweat pants and high heel shoes!!!!
Toni: Not going to happen girl. Besides, then I can’t jump or run.
Munch: Why not?
Toni: Because you can’t jump or run with high heel shoes. They are too tippy at the ankles. So why don’t you take yours off, I can put on you sneakers… then we both can jump and run at the basketball court.
Munch: Oh that is okay. I will just walk then in my high heel shoes. And if my cousin Calvin wants me to run, I will say ‘No Calvin, I am wearing my high heels shoes and I am not going to jump or run anymore!’