I am the type of person that would rather go hungry than to eat food that I don’t like, or is bad quality. Eating is such a pleasurable experience for me, and goes way beyond the basic need to fill my stomach. I want to have a tantric experience with my meals. I don’t want to eat just because I am hungry – I want my wet mouth to orgasm while I fill it with delicious sausages.

Local and organic of course.

Maybe this can be annoying for others – especially for those who want to just eat and move on with the day but have to instead wait for me to find the perfect artisanal pizza place specializing in hand foraged pixy farts.

For example: There was this one time when I went hiking in the Swiss Alps with my boyfriend and friend, and we got really lost. We finally came across a sign that read “Wanderweg” and decided we would go there, and take the train home. We followed the path for a few miles, then came across another sign that said “Wanderweg.” This sign, however, pointed in another direction. We were confused, but followed that path for another few miles. We then came across two signs, that pointed in opposite directions, and they BOTH read “Wanderweg.”

Toni: Where the fuck is Wanderweg!!!??

Finally we passed some other hikers who explained that “wanderweg” means “path.”

We didn’t get off the mountain until 10 at night, and had been hiking for 12 hours with no food or water. When we finally got to the small town, everything was closed except for one restaurant. Inside there was an old man smoking cigarettes and chewing on his hands. He showed us the menu, which consisted of a variety of canned meat.

Toni: Ummm I don’t think I’m gonna eat here.
My Boyfriend: What??! DUDE I am starving! Lets just eat! There is nowhere else?
Toni: It just doesn’t look very good. And the smoke is bothering me. I won’t even be able to taste anything. Maybe we can take the train to the next town? Or walk there?

And that was the day my boyfriend strangled me.

And here is a story where my 5-year old almost choked the fuck out of me. The Munch and I were coming back from a road trip, and had been in the car for a few hours. She told me she needed to go to the bathroom, so I pulled over at a gas station. Once we were inside, she wanted a treat.

The Munch: I want a treat.
Toni: No. Not here. I can’t.
The Munch: But MOM I AM REALLY HUNGRY! YOU DIDN’T GIVE ME DINNER AND I WANT A TREAT.
Toni: I can’t buy you chemical candy.
The Munch: PLEASE!? What about these?
Toni: Sour Patch kids? No way dude! Those are chemical kids coated with sugar flavored chemicals.
The Munch: What about these??
Toni: Reece’s? Those are just partially hydrogenated oil patties. I can’t. I can’t support those companies. I can’t get you these natural nuts? Or GMO free chips if you are hungry.
The Munch: BUT I WANT A TREAT!
Toni: It’s not going to happen.
The Munch: FINE!!!

The Munch STORMED back into the car. She was PISSED! When we finally got home a few hours later, she was STILL mad! She went to bed furious at me.

The Munch: I REALLY WANTED A TREAT!

The next morning when she woke up, she still had the idea of treats on her mind.

The Munch: Can I have a treat?
Toni: Yes you can… but we have to go to the Green Grocer to buy one, because we have nothing here.
The Munch: That’s too far! I don’t want to get back in the car!
Toni: Neither do I!
The Munch: Let’s go to the General Store.
Toni: I can’t do that. All they have is chemical treats. If you want a treat we have to go to the Green Grocer.
The Munch: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

It’s not like she doesn’t KNOW I only buy organic food. The Munch is FULLY AWARE that I am never happy when someone gives her chemical candy to eat. Halloween was a big challenge for me! We had agreed that was the only chemical candy she would eat. But for whatever reason, she was NOT feeling my commitment to quality food this day.

Toni: Dude I am not saying you can’t have a treat. I am saying you can’t have a chemical treat. The Green Grocer is five minutes farther than the General Store. Let’s just go there.
The Munch: BUT I DON’T WANT TO WAIT THAT LONG!
Toni: Can I tell you why I don’t want you to eat chemical candy?
The Munch: FINE!
Toni: Do you remember what war is?
The Munch: When people kill each other for power?
Toni: Yes… and back during World War 2, the Americans developed a chemical called “agent orange” to kill people. But when the war was over, they started using those chemicals on the food as pesticides – to kill the bugs. But pesticides kill all life – including butterflies, bees, and even birds!
The Munch: BIRDS TOO?
Toni: YES! And then we eat those pesticides! And these same companies have also have genetically modified plants, created a monopoly on seeds, and are arguably destroying the farming community. Plus… we don’t know the long-term impact of eating GMO tomatoes with fish genes in them.
The Munch: I don’t want fishy tomatoes!
Toni: And you know cancer? Since we have been doing this to our food, more and more people have been getting cancer. It’s hard to say it’s not related. So I don’t want to support these companies, because when I give them my money, I am saying that it’s okay to poison food, poison people, and poison the land.
The Munch: Fine we can go to the Green Grocer. But I am getting TWO treats.

“Seriously Mom, can you just shut your mouth hole?”