Do you remember your first love? Someone that you crushed on so hard, that if your emotions had weight you would have suffocated under the intense pressure?  That person your young lust was so consumed by, it devoured your every thought with an innocent carnal desire.  I sure do.

My best friend Bitty and I loved the same boy.  He was 7 years older than us, and hotter than both Cory Haim and Cory Feldman combined into some weird Cory siamese-twin hybrid.  We would fixate over this boy’s physical perfection and had countless daydreams about us both marrying him and running away to live in California.  I mean, we did everything together so why not keep that going right? Besides I think we were a little too young to be jealous or possessive, so polyamory seemed like a totally legitimate idea.

Because we were 13, we were also slightly naïve about the nature of relationships.  Our love wasn’t necessarily sensual, but more obsessive.  It was an infatuation that wasn’t rooted in reality, but instead a childish fantasy of just being around this boy’s beauty.  That was all we really wanted.  To be able to look at him all day, but still hang out with each other.

Whenever the boy was spotted at the beach we would obviously stalk him.  We tried to be subtle about it – having read a lot of Harriet The Spy I thought we were being slick.  But I am pretty sure our efforts were not only painfully noticeable, but embarrassingly so.

So one day the boy swam out to the raft where there was a slide, diving board, and high-dive.  Bitty and I obviously followed, but don’t worry, we waited a full 90 seconds so we wouldn’t seem desperate.  When we got out to the raft, the boy was diving in and out of the water.  We climbed onto the dock and tried to look as sexy as possible in our one piece bathing suits.  Then the boy climbed up the ladder, his skin glistening, his brown hair hanging over his perfect features, and with raging hard on.

Bitty: Oh my god Toni.  He totally has a boner!

Toni: Shhhhhh!! Bitty! Jesus Christ!

We both quickly dived back into the water and Bitty was laughing so hard she almost drowned.

Toni: Bitty stop laughing! He is going to know we are laughing at him!

Bitty: Dude, it is hilarious.

I was so horrified by this.  It felt like the time I finally understood that Penny got an abortion in the movie Dirty Dancing – and didn’t just need a doctor for some mysterious reason.  I had seen that film 100 times as a kid, and then one day I was like “ohhhhhhhhh so that is what happened” and suddenly all the color in the world faded, and my existence was left a dark shade of grey.  It was this adult reality my child mind couldn’t comprehend.

Much like how I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that this perfect boy would do the same things dogs did when they rubbed against your leg.  I had never thought of him in a sexual way, and to suddenly see him as this primal being was terrifying.  All my illusions were shattered, and suddenly my love didn’t seem so pure anymore.

I guess this was the moment of corruption for me.  That I had to realize what having a crush on a boy really meant.  That you wanted him to put his p in your v at some point, and that image was so disgusting to my 13 year old mind that I got into smoking weed instead.