You Really Shouldn’t Fucking Swear

Swearing is not good and shit. It is considered offensive, rude, and inappropriate. There is never a circumstance that truly justifies it, and it reflects poorly on your character. One should recognize that the language you use represents how people perceive you, and as a dignified member of society you should avoid vulgarities at all costs. Since I am a parent, it is pivotal I imprint these values onto my daughter so she can grow into a being a respectable lady.

Yet hearing my kid swear is funny as fuck.

Okay fine. I am not proud of the fact that I SOMETIMES swear in front of my child. It is not that I swear at her! I just on occasion swear around her. As a consequence, The Munch has been exposed to my potty mouth, even though I REALLY TRY to wipe it clean.

So the other day I made The Munch a grilled ham and cheese sandwich for dinner, which she brought to my office to eat while watching Japanese cartoons. Uggggggggghhhh…. I really don’t like admitting this context ☹ I usually don’t let my kid watch shows and eat. It is bad for digestion, a terrible habit, unsocial, and most importantly dangerous for my computer – crumbs in my keyboard are a nightmare. But I was having a super PMS moment and pretty much couldn’t deal with existence. All I was capable of was staring at a door and wondering if it opened into a parallel universe where I was a mermaid.

Munch then came into the kitchen asking for more dinner…

Munch: Mom, can you make me another grilled cheese sammich?
Toni: Whoa! Did you eat the whole thing! Wow! Good for you.
Munch: Well, I didn’t exactly get to eat the whole thing. I dropped half of it on the ground, and then Mona (our dog) ate it.
Toni: Oh no! Mona at your sammich? That is terrible.
Munch: Yeah. Fucking Mona.

And then, all was right in the cosmos and life had meaning again. Not only did Munch use “fucking” in the right context, but her cadence was hilarious. She wasn’t angry, or upset – her tone just perfectly articulated how anyone would feel after a beloved pet ate their delicious sammich. Fucking Mona is right.

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