Toddlers can be violent creatures.  Especially when you are trying to make them do something they don’t want to do.  This is a hard dynamic because technically I could kick my baby’s ass if I really wanted, but because I don’t, I end up allowing her to beat me up.  The best I can do is try and restrain her, but 2-year olds are strong little fuckers that will flail their legs and arms ferociously at all parts of your body.  Even at your ta-ta’s and hoo-ha…. Thank goddess I don’t have to worry about having a ding-a-ling.

You might be saying to yourself “Toni! What are you doing to this poor innocent child to make her so upset?” And perhaps you are picturing me forcing Munch to watch my performance art piece where I eat a calf’s liver through my belly button while reciting a poem about the migration of moths, but I say it backwards because that is what makes me truly artsty.  But you would be wrong!  She loves that one!  She behaves like this when I am doing things to improve her life! Not mine! Hers!!

These are the main offenders that really get her volcanic anger erupting into a lava filled rage.

• Changing her diaper
• Brushing her teeth
• Washing her face
• Trying to put on shoes when she doesn’t want to wear them even thought she is at the park where there are potential splinters and gross little kids peeing randomly everywhere because they are disgusting and poopy faces
• Putting her hair back so it is not in her eyes
• Changing her clothes that have peanut butter, jelly, pickle remnants, hummus, and drooled out cheesy puffs on the front and a half-chewed granola bar stuck in the armpit

She is not doing me any favors by allowing me to help her out so she doesn’t sit in shitty pants with a gross face, moss growing on her teeth, bleeding feet, and a vomitus explosion on her shirt. I am just looking out for her, but I get punished!  I think this says something about how we resist things that are good for us and gravitate towards what is more dramatic, exciting, and complicated.  Or maybe Munch just really isn’t concerned with hygiene?  Where does she get that from?  You will have to excuse me though… I have to go eat the sandwich I just found in the crease of my pants right near the crotch area.  I hadn’t seen it earlier because my hair was in my eyes.

“Eat More Kale? I want a bite of that sammich!”