A couple of weeks ago, The Munch had a stomachache for a few days, and someone suggested it might be a wheat allergy.  So I suggested that my daughter isn’t a fucking pussy and then karate chopped them in the funny bone.  Oh wait; actually I said “thanks for the tip I will try that.”.

A few days went by where I didn’t feed The Munch wheat, but she wasn’t eating anything and still complained that her tummy hurt.  So I figured that she was just trying to slim down and didn’t want to admit she was on a diet.  Girl, I have been there.  Turns out, I got the stomach bug too, so I ruled out this whole don’t eat wheat thing.

Then, I started to notice The Munch had a rash on her face.  Okay, it is one thing to go a few days without eating to get ready for spring break bikini season, but it is another to have a rash on your fucking face.  So I took her to the hippy doctor today and he was all:

Doctor: “It looks like a fungal rash.”

Toni: “What do you mean by that?”

Doctor: “Well, do you know what fungus is?”

Toni: “Like mushrooms, yeah of course I know what fungus is.  So you are saying I can get high if I lick my daughter’s rashy face?”

Doctor: “No, not at all.  She has something called xcvurntizze kjmiunszzs.”

Toni: “Those aren’t even words you just said.”

Doctor: “Yes they are, maybe you weren’t listening.”

Toni: “What did you say? I wasn’t listening.”

Doctor: “So I can give you the conventional treatment, and I can also give you the holistic naturopath holier than though and better than everyone else treatment.” (Maybe he didn’t say that last part- I can’t remember everything exactly).

Toni: “Fine, give me the hippy shit.”

Doctor: “Well, with holistic healing we not only treat the symptoms, which you would do with castor oil, fish oil, and probiotics, but we also search for the cause.  What is her diet? Are you feeding her on the regular flax seeds, bark powder, coconut milk extracted from the nipples of virgin fairies, condensed self-righteousness, and of course injecting kale juice directly into her jugular?” (Fine, I took a little poetic license here.  He didn’t actually ask about the flax seeds).

Toni: “Of course I do all those things? What do I look like?”

Doctor: “Well, you wouldn’t be feeding her gluten would you? I mean what kind of self-respecting human eats gluten.”

Toni: “Oh…. Ummmm…. Maybe?  I mean, I tried to eliminate wheat for a few days, and I did buy spelt bread.  But she had pasta for lunch today… ”

Doctor: “Dear Gaia.  Well, I am not going to call child services…. but no more gluten.  That should not only help the rash clear up, but also might inspire the goddess to forgive you so that you may one day enter the sage scented Ashram of the divine.”

Toni: “Okay then…”

Doctor: “No sugar either.  Or juice.  Or meat.  Or dairy.  But of course you don’t eat any of those things or feed them to your child.  You are not a monster.”

So now we are going to try this gluten free diet.  Can I have just one gluten sandwich before I say goodbye.  Just slap some gluten in between some slices of gluten.  Seriously? The way people talk about it these days – I am terrified. What the hell is gluten anyway, and why is it coming to get me?   It must be stored deep in the testicles of Satan and comprises the substance of his ejaculate.

“Ahhhhh get that shit away from me!”