I just came across some pretty epic love advice from the 1930’s.  My favorites being:

“Do be careful, if you are not keeping a servant, to discourage your friends from giving you presents of silver articles… when the little toddler gets the measles the cleaning of it has to be suspended and dirty silver is always depressing.”

And of course

“Don’t seek your wife among your own relatives if you can possibly help it.”

Spotted silver! Kill myself! No incest! What??? Oh wait, only if I can possibly help it.  Phew!

So I decided I would come up with some of my own dating advice.  Surely I am wise enough to give such stellar guidance as “Don’t attempt kissing in a canoe unless you are both able to swim and the lady is prepared to risk the spoiling of her smart summer frock.”

Toni Bologna Dating Advice 2012

• Do not flirt over email.  Too sterile and work related.  The only acceptable mediums to send pictures of your genitals are text or Facebook
• If you are a man using emoticons, you must do so ironically
• If you like a lady, and enjoyed her company and warm insides, make sure to after-sex-text so she knows you are actually interested in her
• Ladies you must not respond to said after-sex-text for at least 1 hour so he can question if you are interested in him
• If a man says he is not looking to be in a relationship and just wants to have “fun” you should hear that as: “I don’t want to date you, but I will fuck you as long as you let me,” NOT “Only you can tame me.  Keep wanting more from me.”
• When a lady says “I am just here to dance and have fun with my friends” it is nice way of saying “there is no way you are getting these panties off, so moveon.org”
• If dating someone for more than 2 months, you must break up in person, not over a technological device. Even if you end up screaming “I don’t like you any more.  You eat sandwiches gross” in their face, it is better then getting a G-chat saying “its over :o( ”
• If you go to a bar and go home with a guy, don’t ever say “I usually don’t do this.”  Yes you do.  Own it.
• When in a new relationship give it time.  Things that start fast end fast.
• Lust is not love.  It is better.
• If your gentleman or lady friend doesn’t listen to your needs enough, upgrade.
• Gentleman, if you want to seduce your lady friend create a comfortable setting where she can feel sexy, compliment her, caress her hair and face, appreciate her mind and spirit, ask her questions and listen to her answers, play music she enjoys, and be observant enough to read her cues.  Ladies, to seduce your gentleman friend show him your nipple.