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Pee & Poop

  • The Sniff Test

    In order to tell if something is dirty, I usually put my nose right up close to the potentially offending object, and take a deep inhale. Why do I do this? Why not a soft little sniff like a bunny? I know there is a great possibility that I might dry heave from the intensity. Yet I do it anyway. It is a lesson I cannot seem to learn.

    For instance, I know my armpits might be quite putrid because I don’t wear deodorant and carry around a mini tyrant all day, but I take a unfathomable whiff just to make sure. Or maybe I think some milk might have gone bad, so I put it super close to my face and suck all the offensive odor right in. Of if you said to me “I farted,” sure enough I will be snorting in your flatulence just so make sure.

    Another example is my child’s ass. The Munch used to poop poops that hardly impacted my olfactory senses. It was just a little squirt of digested breast milk. Now I can’t really call what she does poop anymore, but rather crap. She doesn’t poop her pants, she craps them. I really don’t need to get that close to know this is true, yet I do. I pick her up, and bring her right to my face, and smell. Then her fecal matter penetrates past my nasal cavity and into my mouth where I taste it.

    December 14, 2011 • 1 year old, Musings, Pee & Poop • Views: 3034

  • Did You Seriously Just Throw That At Me?

    If I were to throw a hair-ball at you, would you be offended? Not one that came out of a cat’s throw up, obvi… just a hair-ball I created from cleaning my brush. Oh wait… it probably wouldn’t travel very far and most likely I would have to smush it on you to get the full effect. But it’s not like it would hurt.

    Maybe it doesn’t matter if what is being causes pain, like a brick or knife, maybe, just maybe, people don’t like things being thrown at them period. Especially if this said object is extremely gross.

    The other morning I fed The Munch oatmeal for breakfast, which she of course smeared all over her face and clothes. When I decided she was done I washed her hands in the sink, took her clothes off, and let her run around while I cleaned up. Seems reasonable right. You are probably thinking to yourself “My Toni is responsible” or maybe more likely “I should eat breakfast while wearing a cape and crown so I really start the day off right?”

    I then notice The Munch is suspiciously quite…

    I go around the corner and find her in the hall, hand on her diaper sticky… you know… the part of the diaper that sticks the thing together, ie THE MOST IMPORTANT PART!

    “Munch… leave your diaper on…. That catches the poop and pee remember?”

    Either she didn’t remember, or she is a real jerk.

    Before I could get to her, with one swipe she pulls the diaper off and throws it at me like she is a double agent for the Matrix. It happened so fast that at first I did not see the poo fling out of it, but once the diaper landed at my feet I saw what was inside. I looked down and screamed a scream so shrill it was silent to the human ear. The Munch looked directly into my eyes then ran the other direction. With each step she took a poo ball fell from her put onto the floor. Like a trail of poo for Hansel and Gretel to find their way out of the woods, or like a shit path for me to clean up. Depends on your perspective.

    October 3, 2011 • 1 year old, Baby Body, Baby Brain, Behavior, Pee & Poop • Views: 905

  • Pee Toilet

    I would consider myself to be a diehard-quasi-dogmatic-mediocre-environmentalist. I recycle, but am too lazy to compost, I eat local and organic, but I also eat meat, I only buy eco beauty and cleaning products, but I don’t wear deodorant.

    One thing that I am pretty consistent about is saving water. Fine, maybe I find showers and brushing my teeth monotonous, repetitive, unvaried, repetitious…redundant… and often find myself saying “but I just did this two days ago… it can wait another day” but I also really care about nature’s most precious resource. Diamond earrings… I mean water.

    As such, if I pee I let it be.

    Since I am a girl I obviously never poop so get that out of your head this instant…

    Because of my habit of letting my yellow’s mellow, there is usually a pee in the toilet smoking a joint and listening to The Grateful Dead. Sometimes there is more than one pee playing hacky sack and talking about The Man…

    I think you know where this is going….

    The other morning, I woke up and went to the bathroom and noticed an abundance of pee from the nighttime pee sessions… so thank the Universe I flushed. But then a few minutes later, I decided to pee and brush my teeth because like I said before that teeth brushing thing is seriously boring and throwing in a pee made it a little more exhilarating. Shut up… your life isn’t that exciting either. Anyway…. after said pee, I decide to get dressed and while I am looking for the perfect T-shirt to go with my sweatpants I notice The Munch was being suspiciously quite.

    A quite baby is never a good sign.

    I ran into the bathroom and sure enough The Munch was playing in my pee toilet.

    Now… this is where things get so bad that after writing this I am going submit my body to science and let them experiment on how to erase memories.

    An important side note to this story is that the only time I have ever said “NO” to the Munch with any passion is when she throws her food. I then tell her “in your mouth” and point to my tongue, which she in turn copies. Lets review shall we? The Munch will throw food, I will say “NO,” and she will point to her tongue…. touching her tongue mind you… as I say “in your mouth.” You are following me here right?

    I think you know where this is going…

    I ran to her while her little hand fondled the pee toilet paper in the pee toilet and yelled “NO!” She looked at me… while I was still just a few short feet away… and pointed to her tongue…

    Oh the horror….

    “I am going for it!”

    September 15, 2011 • 1 year old, 1st time for everything, Behavior, Pee & Poop • Views: 2384