This is one of those stories that I probably shouldn’t be sharing, but I am going to anyway. It all started with me wanting to take a shower. You know, every once in a while that happens. And of course, The Munch decided she wanted to take one with me.
Munch: Mamma, I want to take a shower with you!
Toni: Okay that is fine.
Munch: But I need my bathing suit.
Toni: Uhhhh… I guess.
Munch: But I only want my bikini top. Not the bottom.
Toni: Yeah, that’s a good look. Makes sense to me.
Munch: Mamma, you have to block me in the shower, the water is getting on me.
Toni: Ummmm yeah… that is kind of the point.
Munch: No Mamma block me! My hair is getting wet! The water is getting in my eyes.
Toni: Dude, that is a prerequisite of getting in the shower -that your face and hair get wet.
Munch: Pick me up!! I want uppie!
Toni: Fine. Dude, you are covered in soap. It is like holding a greased pig. I am going to drop you because you are so slippery.
Munch: I am not so slippery.
Toni: I think you are. I am going to put you down.
Munch: No Mamma, hold me!
Toni: Munch, I have to wash my hair now. I am going to put you down.
Munch: But the water is going to get in my eyes!
Toni: So why don’t you get out if you don’t want the water in your eyes?
After The Munch finally got out, I could do what normal people do in the shower – like get my face and hair wet. I leisurely washed my hair, and then realized she had been gone for quite a long time. I stayed in there for a while and enjoyed not being bossed around, but then started to wonder what my little wet naked child was doing.
Finally The Munch came back in the bathroom, and as we were toweling off she told me this story. At first I assumed her story was a story from her imagination. That she was telling a pretend narrative, because the content of her story was too disturbing for me to even consider it being real. Then I realized that she was telling an actual story of true events that really happened while I naively enjoyed my shower.
Munch: Mamma, when you were in the shower, I was running around playing, and a poops came out of my bum.
Toni: Uh huh… that is nice.
Munch: And it was green. And it just fell out of by bum.
Toni: Right right…
Munch: So then I looked for a napkin, and I cleaned it up.
Toni: Wait… what?
Munch: Yeah. I found a napkin and I cleaned it up.
Toni: You cleaned what up?
Munch: The poops that fell out of my bum!
Toni: Wait, Munch did this really happen?
Toni: What napkin did you use?
Munch: The one from the kitchen that you dry your hands on after you wash them.
Toni: Can you show me?
And sure enough, there was the napkin with poop on it.
Toni: Wait Munch, were did you poop?
Munch: Right here on the rug!
Toni: You just squatted down and pooped?
Munch: Yeah! I just squatted real low and the poop fell out of my bum and it was green!
I mean, if I am going to raise the type of kid that would poop on a rug, at least I also raised the type of kid who would have the decency to clean it up. I think I am doing a pretty good job.
(Here I am trying to digest this very troubling information)