This Will Probably Traumatize You For Life

I’m going to tell you a story that may or may not scar you for life. If you are attracted to me at all, get ready for that to end. Today. There is no way you are going to come out of this feeling the same way about me.

To provide some context:

My health has always been something I am always pretty experimental about. I do everything I can to avoid western medicine, and often have the strategy of ignoring any ailment that appears because that’s what’s being a grown is all about!

One example is one day a random growth appeared on my chest. If you were to look at it, you would have said to me “hey Toni, go get that checked out why don’t you?” But I don’t have a dermatologist, so I didn’t. Eventually I went to a hippy doctor and asked her “what the hell is this on my chest,” and she said “I don’t know, I’ll refer you to a dermatologist.” So me and my seemingly skin cancer went home, unsure of what was going on… until a few days later when I just ripped it off my body. AND NOW I AM CURED RIGHT?

Or how a few months ago I woke up with an unexplainable rash all over my body. I looked at my new itchy, red, infested, torso and thought, “huh, that’s new.” Then I just kept living my life… assuming that the rest of it would include red spots covering my abdomen.

But eventually it just went away, as mysteriously as it came.


Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night soaking wet, with cold sweats. What do I do about that? Change my clothes and go back to bed.

My policy is “I think I’m just going to act like this isn’t happening at all.”

Recently, I’ve been really sick. My stomach has been in a dismal state of disarray for 13 days now. At first I just thought my organs were failing… or that I was melting from the inside. NBD.

The pain was like nothing I have ever experienced. I didn’t have to puke, shit, burp, or fart, so there was no clear solution to my problem. I had this intense feeling of pressure that would intensify if I tried to eat. There was no obvious relief to this discomfort, and eating was incredibly painful.

So I did what any normal person would do who felt like their digestive system was failing. I meditated. I thought about, “what is it that I can’t stomach?” Or if I needed to “trust my gut instinct more?” I got my Chinese herbs, “maxa,” and tried to smoke the evil out of my stomach. Unfortunately however, I ended up dropping one of the burning sticks of herbs – and subsequently burnt the shit out of my tummy.

Yet I still felt awful.

Then I thought that maybe one of my healers had left an energetic dust bunny in my gall bladder… so I called her and asked. She wasn’t so sure about my hypothesis, and suggested I massage my iliac sacral valve.

Nothing was helping. It was only getting more uncomfortable and tortuous. Especially because I WAS SUPER HUNGRY!!!!

I then brought Munch to one of her hippy doctors to get her eye checked, and for whatever voodoo to happen. This woman took one look at me, poked my body, waved her arms around, and closed her eyes to ask my body what was wrong.

Hippy Doctor: You have a virus.

Toni: Oh. I just thought that maybe an alien was trying to eat its way out of me.

She put me on her table and shimmied this then prodded that. She tapped my body and reminded it to heal, and suggested that if I danced my original face I would probably get better quicker.

But the next day I was still in agony. I saw another hippy doctor, but had to bring the Munch with me because she didn’t have school. The doctor asked me to pee in a cup… so Munch helped me to the bathroom

Munch: Mama your pee is so brown and dirty looking. Mine is yellow like a bright sun.

I gave the homeopathic doctor my rancid pee, and she tested it for bad intentions or psychic clotting. It all came back negative, so she thought maybe it was a virus after all.

She sent my home with peppermint pills.

I was like okay lady sure… peppermint pills. Like that will do anything for me. Might as well chew a stick of gum.

I doubled down on the peppermint pills and took twice the recommended dosage. It made me feel a little better, or at least, it let me get to sleep.

The next morning I woke up and went to bathroom. As I was performing my morning bowel ritual I started to feel a burning sensation! At first I was like “this is it Toni… this is the moment you shit out your colon,” but then I realized that the burning was actually minty. It was a distinct pepperminty feeling in fact. I then had to ask myself the one question I never thought I would have to ask… “Does my asshole have better breath than my mouth!?”

This was my lunch yesterday 🙁

toni hand and stick crackers