I kind of think vets are scam artists. I know they help your pets and all, but every time I am there they push Heart Guard and Frontline like a crack dealers. They guilt trip me for not wanting to get the $2000 vaccine package like I am a bad person, and act like I don’t love my dog if I don’t do exactly as they suggest. I have never walked out the door without spending at least $600.
So I tend to avoid the vet. I only take my dog when I think it is really necessary. And this was one of those times. Her breath was not okay. It was pretty rancid. Considering she is 11, I figured maybe it was time to get her teeth cleaned. So I made an appointment…
Vet: “Okay, you will bring Mona in at 8:30 and can come pick her up at 4.00”
Vet: “She is going to need some general anesthesia because we put the dogs down for dental cleanings.”
Toni: “She needs anesthesia to brush her teeth?”
Toni: “Okay… is that going to be safe for her?”
Vet: “Well, we do a full exam before hand and check her for heartworm and other complications. So that will be an extra $200.”
Vet: “I also see that she is due for some vaccines. The lxkdjfoainx and the xdjfsoif and wait one other… uyidjakdcdso.” (I wasn’t really listening).
Vet: “So should we go ahead and do all of those. Mona is getting older and these are very important if you want her to live a long healthy life. You do care about her right? You do want the best for her don’t you?”
Toni: “Yes of course.”
Vet: “Okay great. So I will set you up for those. Your total comes to $670. See you Thursday.”
Munch and I went to pick Mona up and were then told a whole list of potential problems my dog may or may not be having.
Vet: “You see how her skin is scaly on her tummy? She may have Cushing’s disease”
Toni: “Oh dear.”
Vet: “Have you noticed a lot of frequent urination? Or drinking of water?”
Toni: “I mean I guess. She does drink water and she does pee. How do I know if it’s frequent?”
Vet: “Yes that sounds bad. We highly suggest you do the senior’s evaluation as soon as possible. That is of course if you have a soul and want your dog to live a peaceful life.”
Toni: “Okay lets do it.”
Vet: “Great we can schedule you for Monday. Make sure to get a urine sample into this cup before you come in.”
Toni: “How on earth am I going to do that? I don’t have her potty trained to pee in cup.”
Vet: “You just have to follow her outside with a plate of a bowl and slip in under her as she squats. Then you would poor the urine into the cup and keep in the refrigerator.”
Toni: “Sounds easy enough.”
Vet: “Fantastic. So that will be $600 for the senior’s visit when you come. Have a great weekend.”
As we left The Munch decided she wanted to go to the beach to play outside with Mona.
Toni: “We have to go get some wet food for Mona Munch first. She had two teeth pulled when she got her teeth cleaned. So she needs soft food.”
Munch: “Lets go to the beach first and then get wet food. She wants to run around.”
Toni: “Okay. But just for a bit.”
We get to the beach and are having a grand old time until…
Munch: “Mamma, quick. I have to go potty!”
Toni: “Pee or poop.”
Toni: “Okay lets just go outside okay?”
Munch: “Okay quick.”
Toni: “Wait Munch. Are you pooping?
Toni: “Crap we don’t have any toilet paper.”
Toni: “Never mind. Just concentrate on what you are doing.”
Munch: “I am all done.”
Toni: “Munch I don’t have any toilet paper.”
Munch: “Use some leaves.”
Toni: “Son of a… They are all so dry. It’s going to get poops my hands if I use these.”
Munch: “Uh oh.”
Toni: “Listen, I am going to run to the car and see if I can find something. I will be right back.”
I ran to the car and found an old mitten. There was only one, so I figured it was the best I could do. I got back to Munch and there she was, standing patiently holding her dress up waiting for me. But mysteriously the poop was gone.
Toni: “Oh no.”
Toni: “Munch, did Mona eat your poop.”
Toni: “Oh God.”
Munch: “Mamma, now her teeth are all dirty again.”
Well, at least she got her wet food?