When I have issues with my health I tend to either ignore them, or get really experimental and strange about it.  I will meditate on a yeast infection for 6-weeks until I understand the secrets of my sexuality.  I treat rashes with turmeric facemasks moistened by the tears of fairies.  I will go around with a cabbage leaf bra to help aid a breast infection.  I will only eat gogi berries, drink the nectar of dragon blood, and apply positive thinking to will my brain tumor away.  I get kind of wild with this shit.

But with The Munch’s health, I feel more confined by convention.  I am afraid to take chances.  So my intuition on how to deal with her health issues are always in a state of turmoil. I feel conflicted between my own unconventional methods, and the medical establishment.

So The Munch has a wandering eye.  It doesn’t happen all the time.  Sometimes not for months, and sometimes a few times a day.  It just kind of floats off for a few seconds- in search for a better life somewhere up, and to the right.    I didn’t really know what to do about it.  I kind of felt like it would eventually correct itself, and was afraid of meddling with it.  But my friend Gita suggested I go to the doctor to get it checked out because I didn’t want irreversible issues either.

Here is my problem with doctors.  I am not saying they don’t help people, because obviously they do.  But my reservation is the following.  With any medical intervention there is always a risk for another problem to develop.  You can go to the doctor for one ailment, like high blood pressure, and they can give you medication that fixes the issue.  But then the medication causes a different problem that you then have to go back to the doctor to treat that.  I am not saying that is always the case.  But it is a risk.  Of course leaving something untreated is also a risk.  But doctors will tell you that. They won’t talk to you honestly about the risk of the treatments they suggest, and that is my problem.

But I decided it would be wise to see what the doctor had to say.  So Munch and I drove down to Boston and spent 3 hours in children’s hospital.  And let me just say, that is 3 hours too many.  It is too hard for the heart to take.  There were a lot of really sick kids, deformed kids, suffering kids.  It was heartbreaking.  God(dess) bless them all, and their parents, and the doctors trying to help.

When it was finally our turn, the doctors were nice enough.  They did a bunch of tests and put some eye drops in her eyes to dilate her pupils.  She looked like she was at a rave and just eaten a bunch of ecstasy laced with acid.  All she needed was a pacifier and some electronic music and we were ready to party!

Luckily her vision is fine, there is no tumor, nothing drastic.  Just her lost little wandering eye.  On a philosophical quest that the left eye doesn’t care to even pursue.  Staring all straight and normal like. Come to thing of it, the left eye seem so ignorant compared to the ever seeking right.

The doctor told me The Munch will need to wear an eye patch for a few hours a day for 3 months, and then she maybe need surgery.

Hmmmmmm.  So you guys know The Munch at this point.  Do you think getting this child to “just wear an eye patch for a few hours a day” is going to be easy for me, or HARD AS FUCK AS SHE WILL PROTEST, REBEL, AND RIP IT OFF HER FACE.

I get that she has to strengthen her bad eye, but this is going to be a fucking challenge.  AND SURGERY ON HER LITTLE TINY 3-YEAR OLD EYES??? I do not feel comfortable with that at all.  I mean, I can handle having a pirate for a daughter, but putting her under anesthesia and then poking at her eyes seems like a last resort fucking option.

My friend Aallia was telling about all these yoga exorcises I can do with her to help strengthen the eyes and create balance in the brain.  I think I am going to have to go all new-agey on my kid and get her into some eye yoga.

(Check out Munch’s crazy dilated pupils! She is on her way to Burning Man!)