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The Shittiest Houseguest Ever

When you are a guest in someone’s home, it is important to be aware of your impact. You have to clean up after yourself, bring food to contribute, do little favors that will make your host feel appreciated…  You can’t just go into a place and shit all over everything right? Well, unfortunately, The Munch didn’t get that memo.

When I was packing up my stuff to leave NY, I decided to give The Munch a bath so I could wash off all the subway and park germs that had been accumulated.  While The Munch was in there playing, I was also getting everything together and not really paying much attention to what she was doing.

Munch: Mamma! I need to go potty!

I put her on the toilet, and figured she would tell me when it was time for me to wipe her, so I went about my business.  Then my friend Gita (who we were staying with) went into the bathroom to wash her hands, and suddenly screamed!

Gita: OH MY GOD!

Toni: What!? Is everything okay?

Gita: Yeah, there is just poop in the toilet, and I wasn’t really ready for that.

Toni: Oh shit, I am sorry.  Munch must have pooped.

Gita: No, that is okay! I just wasn’t prepared, and I don’t really love seeing other people’s poop.  I mean, not that it is a big deal. I just don’t love it.  But I guess that would be weird if I did love looking at other people’s poop so….

Toni: Wait a minute…. Munch! You pooped but you also didn’t have me wipe you??!

Munch: Mamma, there is poop in the bath now!

So you can see what happened here right?  The Munch crawled back into the bath with her shitty ass, her shit particles contaminated the water, and then they were just floating around her in wispy disintegrating chunks.

Toni: Well Munch, taking a bath in feces kind of defeats the purpose, so this is what we are going to do.  I am going to drain the bath, and then wash you off thoroughly while crying a lit bit inside.

Munch: But I want to keep playing!

Toni: Not in shit water you don’t.  After I wash you off, and clean the bath, you can have some more water and play for a bit longer okay?  But we have to deal with this now.

So I went to drain the bath, but then quickly noticed that the water wasn’t going down.  I reached my hand into the cesspool to check, and sure enough, there was a problem with the suction.

Toni: Uh Oh.

Gita: What is it?

Toni: The water isn’t going down?

Gita: What do you mean?

Toni: Well like, it isn’t really being pulled down the drain.

Gita: Could it be the lavender chunks from the bath you took last night? Do you think that could have clogged the drain?

Toni: Probably… yeah I do.

I kind of pumped the drain a bit and finally the water started going down… slowly though… very very very slowly.

Toni: Don’t worry Gita! It’s totally working!! (sort of…)

Gita then came into see the progress, and say goodbye to Munch as she was heading off to the movies.  As she was leaning over me to kiss Munch goodbye, I noticed something.  It was round, and brown, and on her pristine white shag bath matt.  Yup.  It was a poop ball that had obviously fallen out of The Munch’s ass while she was straddling the bath to climb back in.

Toni: Well thanks so much for having us Gita…. And for all your help and support and sorry about the shit bath I promise I will clean it and bye! Bye! You are going to be late so you should probably get out of here now! Bye!  Love you. Bye!!

Gita: Oh… okay.  See you guys soon!

There was just no way I could admit to Gita that not only had my lavender and kid shit clogged her drain, but there was in fact a chunk of crap right below her nose on the bathroom rug, embedding itself deeper into the fibers with every second that passed.

As soon she left I went for the cleaners and I cleaned that bathroom like Cinderella on meth. I am pretty sure I left no trace behind, but Gita, I probably owe you a new bath mat.  I just Amazon-d it, so its on its way!



3 Responses to The Shittiest Houseguest Ever

  1. olga davidson says:

    Now is the time to teach Adelia how to be a good guest. In my book, a good guest makes their bed and either puts their clothes away or keeps them neatly in their bags. They also do not spread all their stuff all over the bathroom, which is where sponge bags come in handy. The the host/hostess present is always nice, the thank you note and the taking the host/hostess out to dinner. You can teach Adelia that she will always be asked back if she is a good guest. I also know it is really really hard to be a good guest with small children. A host/hostess, no matter how child loving and generous, never quite know what they are getting into when hosting a small child. All of this gets so much easier in time. Teach Adelia to be a helpful guest. Nothing is more wonderful than a helpful guest.

  2. Laszlo Nagy says:

    I really have to give you mad props for plunging the bathtub. It would have been a human tragedy if a plumber had to be commissioned and then after labors for lavender and shit to be extracted, for it to have been presented as the culprits of the clog. // I had a similar such engagement with a toilet recently. The time taken to quickly correct a plumbing error pays off in spades with respect to one’s mental health. The bath mat seems to be the only residual trauma here, but probably only lasting for a week in one’s psyche, whether in the psyche of Gita or of you, I dare not speculate about now, except to say that Much has presumably little memory of any of this 😉

  3. el_squishface says:

    The pregnancy books don’t adequately prepare you for poop on the carpet moments.

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