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The Penis, and What We Owe It

The penis, a body part revered, adored, and glorified by many cultures.  It has erected a myriad of tributes in its honor from the Washington Monument, to almost every of sculpture from Ancient Greece. Supposedly I even secretly envy penile power, after all how could my carnivorous vagina ever compare to its’ penetrating prowess? To be clear, I have no problem with love sticks and their bing-bongs. They’re nice enough, despite being a little pushy and intrusive at times.  Here is my issue with how the penis hangs. In situations of a sexual nature, why is there an expectation that women somehow owe the penis anything?

Whether a woman and man are together in a bedroom, car, or bathroom stall, there is an imposed cultural assumption that the penis has priority. This presumption leaves the lady as the weiner’s primary ejaculation enabler. While Nora Jones wistfully wonders why she didn’t come, we women feel morally obligated to ensure the wangs we engage with erupt.  I think it’s time ladies need to have the same genuine concern for our purple beans as we do for a man’s blue balls.

I don’t mean to imply there aren’t many men out in the cosmos who already care about whether their lady leaks love juices.  I also don’t think this psychic grip exists in the minds of men alone. Women perpetuate this paradigm by fulfilling our society’s expectation that if a couple goes past second base, the gal’s role is to ensure his penis sneezes.

Are women biologically predisposed to prioritize the needs of others, since otherwise we would be reptilian moms who devoured our young if it they didn’t get away fast enough?  Or are we the victims of social conditioning, expected to be “good girls” who are considerate and agreeable?  Wanting to make out with a guy shouldn’t mean women feel the pressure to pleasure him fully. Nor should your mouth or forearm have to get sore simply so he can go to sleep.

I am not going to blame the rooster and his eggs for wanting to come – of course he does! I am sure it is hard to go around with a hard-on that won’t get un-hard.  Being an external appendage, the wingy-ding grows out into the world with excitement, reminding its owner “Hey! Deal with me or I am going to stretch out your pants!”  Whereas our internal fuzzy-wuzzy is tucked in like a suitcase and has a more subtle approach. The hoo-ha may technically be a “receptive” sexual organ, but that doesn’t equate it with being passive, or less urgent.

The sheer mechanics of male ejaculation being simpler and usually take less time, doesn’t mean women have a moral obligation to make sure the peen pukes. You are not indebted to his desire simply for turning him on.  Besides, it is not some big accomplishment or even compliment if a guy wants to blow his load when he is around you.  I am not sure if you have looked at the Internet lately, but the simplest things sexually stimulate men.

If you do want to bump crotches with a gentleman and entangle pubic hairs, then go for it. Just remember it is okay to leave him with pitched tent. Some dudes may think that’s the behavior of a “tease,” but those guys also listen to Maroon 5.  Let’s relieve ourselves of this inherent orgasm hierarchy. If we thrust this idea into public perception and penetrate the psyches of women and men everywhere, orgasms will finally deserve their long deserved equal opportunity treatment.


4 Responses to The Penis, and What We Owe It

  1. olga davidson says:

    I don’t know much about tantric sex but it is not about ejaculation. Look at Sting.

  2. teneisha says:

    ahahahahahah “Some dudes may think that’s the behavior of a “tease,” but those guys also listen to Maroon 5”

  3. ipek says:

    I am really amazed by your repertoire of words for penis, vagina and hard on. You should gather them all together in an article.

  4. Susan says:

    “…the gal’s role is to ensure his penis sneezes”
    OMG that line had me in stitches!

    It’s even funnier than the expression “burping his worm” (burping is when a baby is rubbed/patted on the back to release trapped air, sometimes releasing a squirt of milk for anyone not familiar with the expression)

    I always get a chuckle out of a penis joke. I find them hilarious in their appearance and how they function. I so happy that I don’t have one as I’d never be able to take myself seriously. I’m not the only woman who thinks this am I?

    This is one of my favorite penis jokes:
    A young nun had decided that she’d had enough of living a life of chastity and obedience and finally left the convent.
    One day she visited a nudist beach where she came across a naked man relaxing and covering his penis with a towel to protect himself from the strong sun.
    The ex-nun became curious so she asked what was under the towel. “It’s a sick bird I’m nurturing back to health.” said the man jokingly, not knowing that this was a woman who had never seen a penis before.
    “Can I see it” she asked, “as I’m good with sick animals”. The man replied “no” so she walked away. Shortly after that the man fell asleep.
    He woke up a while later and started screaming in agony. A woman came running up and asked the ex-nun what had happened.
    She replied “well, I wanted to nurse the bird he had covered up in his lap so I walked over, lifted up the towel and started to gently rub it. The bird then perked up and stretched itself bigger so I started to rub it some more. Then all of a sudden it spat white goo in my face, so I broke its neck, crushed its eggs, and set its nest on fire.”

    It still brings me out in giggles many years after I heard it!

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